


I Promise I'm Trying

by Crowdog



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Apritello - Freeform, Bisexual Karai, Coming Out, Egg Laying, F/M, Female to Male Leonardo, Gender Dysphoria, Good Parent Splinter (TMNT), Happy Ending, Health Issues, Held Prisoner, Hiding Medical Issues, Hurt Karai, Hurt Leonardo, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Transphobia, Interspecies Romance, Karai is a good girlfriend, Kidnapped Karai, Kidnapped Leonardo, Leathangelo - Freeform, Leo-centric - Freeform, Leorai - Freeform, Medical Conditions, Medical Procedures, POV Third Person Limited, Procrastinating On Coming Out For A Really Long Time, Protective Younger Siblings, Rasey - Freeform, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Short Chapters, Supportive Younger Siblings, Transgender Leonardo, When Your Female Anatomy Attempts To Unalive You, do not copy to other sites, relationship angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:41:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23707798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crowdog/pseuds/Crowdog
Summary: Before their relationship gets anymore serious Leo really needs to tell Karai something important. So it's a good thing he isn't procrastinating until that something is revealed in a way he wouldn't like.(A story in which Leo comes out to Karai in the worst way possible.)
Relationships: Karai/Leonardo (TMNT), Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 57
Kudos: 67





	1. i'm not really sure

**Author's Note:**

> **Title based off the title of this song, and the chapter titles are little sections of the lyrics:**[I Promise I'm Trying](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNpm9RUL-eM) \- Cavetown  
> 

* * *

September 29th, 2018

* * *

Given everything that had happened in recent weeks, their 20th Mutation Day wasn’t a huge party. It was a small gathering of very close friends and family. It took place on a rooftop garden belonging to April’s aunt, an aunt who was conveniently out of town.

Leo’s arm was healed but the cast was staying on for another week just to be sure. Donnie had worked hard to make sure his arm had been perfectly set and wasn’t above making Leo feel guilty if he complained about the cast. Even if it itched horribly and the names signed on it were all faded, it was going to be another week.

He sat down on one of the lawn chairs April had set out. She had done most of the work. Leo was far too preoccupied with healing himself and taking care of Master Splinter. They had all silently agreed that year to hold off on a blow-out celebration. They had nearly lost their father (in a way they did), and for awhile there, before they took down The Super Shredder, it had looked grim.

Their father had been thrown off a building and by some miracle didn’t die immediately. Donnie speculated that his rat body and skeletal structure might have allowed him to twist around just enough that the fall hadn't been immediately fatal.

Again, like Donnie always had during medical emergencies, he pulled a solution out of days of endless work while their father clung to life hooked up to machines in the lab. Their brother made retromutagen. Master Splinter’s rat body was too damaged to recover, but his brain was alive and thankfully undamaged. They didn’t know what would happen, if the retromutagen would give their father his human form and heal his injuries or not.

It did save their father. He was no longer the rat that raised them, he was now a human. He was still weak, even though it had been nearly a month. Leo was their father’s closest son, he did most of the care with Donnie. It had been painful to leave his father in The Lair, and it was hard to celebrate when he felt like he could be doing more.

Master Splinter had insisted that he would be fine. He had his walker. He had the necklace Donnie made him that he could press in case he fell or needed assistance. They weren’t that far away from their home.

Still, Leo wasn’t really celebrating. He was counting down the moment until the party ended.

“I never signed your cast,” a very familiar voice said, just not one he expected to hear at this particular location. Really the owner of that voice should still be in the hospital, or at least at home taking it easy.

Leo turned his head slightly to watch Karai as she pulled another lawn chair up. She was wearing civilian clothes, jeans, platform boots, and a dark gray hoodie with uneven red drawstrings. “I never signed yours,” he countered, watching her sit down.

That was the kind of acquaintanceship they had. The one where they didn’t mention the burning elephant in the room because really the whole circus was on fire. So while Leo knew the last time he saw Karai was when she was in the hospital, they weren’t going to mention it. He only observed as she sat down slowly, her breath was short.

Leo had broken her ribs, he was a big guy and CPR wasn’t a gentle act.

“No point,” she said looking down at her arm. “Mine comes off tomorrow.”

“I still have another week in mine,” Leo said.

Karai’s cast only covered her right forearm and ran up to her knuckles before running between her index finger and thumb. It was pure white, no marks.

Leo’s cast was gray and went from his left wrist all the way past his elbow and he had everyone’s signature somewhere on his arm. Mikey, Casey, and April all even drew pictures. Leo was moderately sure Raph wrote and inappropriate word somewhere he couldn't see.

All the Mutanimals signed, even April’s dad signed.

She seemed to notice. “Is there even any space on there for me to sign?” she asked.

He was going to take the sling off to see, but it was hard to do with one hand. He struggled to loosen the straps, his sling was a little more involved than Karai's. His sling had to not slip off his carapace so there was another strap that went around his chest and back. He stopped when he heard Karai's chair creak.

“You don’t-” he tried to say but she held her hand up for him to stop.

Then she lightly tapped the inside of his ankles with her feet so he would spread his legs, and for some reason Leo did it, the wires in his brain melting together because he still had a hopeless crush on her. Now she was standing very close to him, she put one knee on the seat between his thighs to steady herself.

Leo made the mistake of looking past her shoulder at Donnie who was sadly very busy pointing at the sky with his arm around April’s shoulders.

Karai traced the soft fabric straps of his sling, Leo’s heart wasn’t even beating anymore. It was vibrating. Her bare fingers were all over his chest, her tiny human fingers hooked under the strap and loosened them and Leo held his breath the whole entire time. She loosened the straps while muttering under her breath, then suddenly she gripped his shoulder.

“Are you okay?” Leo asked, unsure if he should touch her or not. His experience with women was extremely sparse outside of being hugged by April that one time, but Leo didn’t have a crush on her so it wasn’t quite as nerve wracking.

She nodded. “My ribs,” she breathed out, “-makes it hard to stand and lean forward and . . . breathe, I think I need to sit down."

Leo nodded, “Oh-”

Then Karai sat on him and he couldn’t be sure if he said “meep” or just thought it, he really hoped he just thought it otherwise he would die of embarrassment and that was terrible word to have etched on his tombstone.

He swallowed, his throat was suddenly very dry and his head felt light. It was going to roll off his shoulders onto the ground.

Karai was sitting on his lap.

He did his best not to move, he stayed frozen and Karai was oblivious to the fact that she was making him nuts (which honestly, was the most ironic thing she could do.) His crush was on his lap. Technically, right now, he was touching Karai’s butt. True it was the top of his thigh that was touching her butt, the same butt he had oggled for, well, years.

She was warm. She was a warm blooded human and it was a chilly fall night. She felt so nice sitting there in his lap leaning slightly on the right side of his plastron. Her warm back against the inside of his right arm.

His bandaged up left arm stayed glued to his chest even though the sling was loose. The tips of his fingers were just barely touching the top of her right left thigh. This was clearly the danger zone and he was unadvised on how to proceed.

For the sake of his survival he couldn’t move, he was about to have a heart attack and it did not help that Casey Jones and Raph were watching and they weren’t about to come over here and save him. They were enjoying the show and Leo knew his face was red.

Karai touched his knee and a jolt of electricity ran up his leg to the underside of his tail. “You make a comfortable place to sit,” she said.

Her hair tickled the underside of his jaw. “Thank you,” he struggled to say, his voice was high and painfully nervous and it was a wonder he didn’t blurt out his thoughts about needing to keep it together.

“Maybe I should sit on you more often?” she suggested.

Leo toes curled and uncurled, he was lodging pieces of stone and cement under and between his toes. “Maybe,” he repeated as her hands went back to tracing the sling strap that went over his plastron. She was shutting his brain down, next time he opens his mouth he was going to just let out a string of drool and go cross eyed.

She laughed in her throat just once, a playful hum and Leo knew what was up. This was a clear sign, the ones boys talk about when referring to women’s flirtations.

Karai was flirting with him.

It was time to flirt back.

He moved his right arm from the arm rest of the lawn chair and placed his hand on her right hip. He could feel all the nerves in his body misfiring in confusion. His brain simply could not understand what he was doing, blindly stepping forward and returning what he hoped were the right moves.

He was dancing without music and just praying to every force in the universe than Karai maybe heard the beat because he didn't.

She leaned in closer, her hand went from his chest to his neck, urging him to lend her his ear slit. But no, Karai couldn’t just whisper into his ear through his mask, she had to pull his mask up just a little.

She had to press her lips right against his ear hole and send pulse after pulse of fire down his spine.

“Took you long enough to catch on,” she murmured with barely any voice.

He had never felt such a rush of emotions. Relief that she liked him as much as she was implying spiked with the joy of it.

She fixed his mask and pulled away, a small smile on her lips. Leo knew there was a massive smile on his own face, he didn’t care to try and push that away or make his face stony.

Karai settled back in his lap and took his left arm. He felt less tense but having her pull the sling away was still her touching him and this was moving very quickly. They hadn’t even awkwardly touched hands while eating popcorn. Leo felt as though they were missing some very key first steps here.

“All the prime real estate is gone,” she said, nearly twisting his arm off looking for a spot. “Wait, here.”

Leo held his arm up at an awkward angle and she took a sharpie from her pocket. He tried to crane his head to see but she shooed him away. “You broke your left arm, I broke my right wrist and I’m right handed” she said. Struggling to hold the sharpie in her left hand and write on the under side of his cast.

“I’m actually left-handed,” he said.

“Well, now I feel bad about complaining,” she muttered.

“You can still complain, I can write and move my hand,” He said. “It’s just moving my elbow that’s hard.”

She finished writing her name. “Then I take it back, you have it so easy being able to write,” she capped the sharpie and put it in her pocket.

Instead of getting off of his lap she stayed and he saw the way everybody looked away when he finally caught their eyes. Of course his brothers were giving him thumbs up like he had done something, when really he was just sitting there trying not to collapse in on himself.

There was something on his mind though, something that needed to be said. He knew there would never be an easy way to bring it up either. “Your father, he wants to see you,” Leo said. “He is doing better and he feels bad for not being there for you in the hospital.”

Karai nodded her head once. “I am sad that I was unable to be with you and your brothers while he was … I don’t know what I would do if he had died.”

“Neither do we,” Leo said quietly.

“I am still healing,” she said. “My ribs are still on the mend but perhaps next weekend I could come down and see him. I might need someone to help me with the walk there.”

He thought it would be harder to convince her. “I would be happy to walk you there,” he said.

“I’m sure you would.”

Leo thought she would at some point get out of his lap but she didn’t, even when April came over to over them some more cake before she packed the remainder up Karai acted like sitting in his lap was a daily occurrence.

Maybe April was trying to save him, and it was all very overwhelming but he survived. He didn’t take a full breath of air until she got off of him. The air seemed colder with her gone he realized as he stood up, she had been keeping him toasty and with a little embarrassment he realized he probably actually wasn’t all that nice to sit on.

He was probably stealing her body heat.

She started messing with his sling and he stared over the top of her head. She was shorter than him, thank goodness at least he was taller than her. Even in those platform boots he was still 6’3, and she had once complained about being 5’1.

Leo wouldn’t complain, he was the second tallest of his brothers. Raph and Mikey stagnated around 6’0, and Donnie was only an inch taller than him at 6’4.

Not that Karai would ever piece together why that mattered or what that could mean.

“I may have loosened this thing,” she said, letting go of his sling. “But I cannot figure out how to tighten it.”

“It’s okay,” Donnie said coming up behind her. “I got it.”

Karai stepped away gracious, even it those high soled boots. “Next weekend,” she said with a curt little wave.

Leo lifted his hand for half a second too, opening his mouth but having no idea what to say. She was already gone by the time he said “Yeah.”

Donnie didn’t point it out, he just fixed his sling and then grabbed his shoulders.

“I know,” Leo whispered as his brother rocked him. “Did you see where I had my hand?”

His brother nodded again, “I saw Leo, very smooth.”

“You think I was smooth?” he asked, he hadn’t felt smooth.

Raph came up to them, his excitement was more reserved but he gave Leo a good job shell pat and Mikey had a beaming smile.

It was very nice to be able to share that little bit of pride. Karai liked him and his brothers were happy for him.

For a beautiful moment it was that simple.


	2. if my words make

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note:  
> -I took this out of anonymous and I added cover-art since last chapter. It's bad, but it's what fanfiction.net demands since I am cross-posting.
> 
> Warnings: [highlight to view]  
> -Transphobic joke.

* * *

October 26th, 2018

* * *

Leo was very concerned about Karai’s ability to connect with their father.

It was strange to call Master Splinter their father, it reminded Leo of a certain incestuous undertone in one of his Space Heroes episodes where Captain Ryan falls in love with an alien princess and later finds out that their father is the ruler of this evil empire. All after the princess and Captain Ryan had kissed… and maybe done other things, it was a kid’s show so most things were only implied.

In Leo’s case it was different, Master Splinter wasn’t his blood father but to call him his adoptive father sounded wrong and disgraceful. The man had plucked them up from that alleyway from infancy, diapered them, fed them, and loved them from that day forward like they were his own. Master Splinter was their father, they knew nothing else.

Master Splinter and Karai were related though, by blood, she was his actual daughter. His real daughter who was comfortable with herself. Leo hoped that Master Splinter could have that back, that he could have a girl to raise again even if Karai was a young adult. She was obviously very eager to learn about her mother, and because Master Splinter was so in love with Tang Shen he adored telling his actual daughter all about her.

The turtles would often hear giggling and laughter from the Dojo, no doubt Master Splinter was telling Karai all about Shen. He was likely even telling Karai stories that they hadn’t heard.

Still, despite how good things went every time Karai came over, Leo still held his breath.

“Casey’s at the skate park, says the place is empty,” Raph said smacking Leo in the shoulder. “Grab your board.”

Leo helplessly gestured to the Dojo doors to silently communicate that they couldn’t just leave Karai and Master Splinter alone. Raph rolled his eyes, “Dude, it’s just a little weird that you sit out here in the pit waiting for them to finish talking. They talk for hours-”

“-yeah Leo,” Mikey agreed, skating by, in The Lair where he wasn’t suppose to. “They’re obviously good right? It’s like the fifth time they gotten together!”

Leo couldn’t really argue that.

“The real reason he waits outside is so he can walk Karai home,” Donnie said, his skateboard was already strapped to his shell. He was squinting to see them in the pit without his glasses.

Leo blushed and his brothers all laughed, okay so he was caught, he had wanted to make sure he could walk Karai out to her Vespa on the surface. “The only reason you want to go skateboarding is because you don’t want April to be alone with Casey,” Leo countered to his lanky brother.

“April’s going to be there!?” he yelled grabbing his face. “My sweet chinchilla is all alone with Casey Jones!?”

Donnie tore out of The Lair in a very clumsy manner, getting caught a little at the turnstiles in his panic. His brothers stared at him as he tore down the tunnels out of sight. “Great job Leo,” Raph muttered. "Now instead of walking there, we gotta run.”

~o~o~O~o~o~

It didn’t take long to catch up with Donnie, and while Leo didn’t want to leave The Lair, he did enjoy the cool crisp air as they skated over roof tops. Once the snow started, going to the surface would be strictly limited to gathering food and supplies. It was too cold to do anything else.

They were in their last month of comfortable surface time.

Casey and April were already at the park, and surprisingly this time the former wasn’t pulling moves on the latter. Perhaps finally Casey tired of trying to annoy the turtle, or maybe finally Casey relented once he realized April had made her choice pretty clear. Something Donnie found shocking but eagerly decided to take April and himself and break away from the group. Leo, Raph, and Mikey were used to this.

It had been a long time since they could all just hang out without any worries but Leo still kept watch, only skating a little here and there. He ignored how handsy Donnie and April were being, they were both twenty after all and if they wanted to sit off to the corner and kiss Leo wasn’t going to say anything.

However Raph was.

“Once you and Karai hook up, is that gonna be you?” he asked with a playful jab.

Leo looked down at his brother and scoffed at the very idea. “I don’t think we’ll get that far,” he said. Their mutation day party had been three weeks ago and since then things with Karai hadn’t progressed much past flirty conversations and a few passing brushes of their hands. Not to the hand holding stage yet, and well it seemed like they were miles away from whatever Donnie and April were doing. Leo was toeing some line and knew there were things he should do to press forward but it wasn’t coming as natural to him as it seemed to be coming to Donnie.

Or more likely he was second guessing himself at every turn.

Raph shrugged. “You never know,” he said. Again he avoided the real reason Karai would never be more than just a flirty almost-girlfriend. Leo really didn’t want to talk about it. He was enjoying his time with Karai even if it dragged up feelings he could never act on and thoughts about himself he wished would stay quiet.

The problem was those thoughts were too painfully real to ignore. While he had a crush on Karai he knew that until he told her a certain detail she could only like him for who she thought he was. Leo really wished he was that turtle, but he wasn’t.

His brothers hadn’t mentioned it, they were letting him silently come to terms with the fact that he had to tell Karai eventually. Silently though, Leo knew it was more likely he would break it off with her or refuse to get more involved.

“You two look mopey,” Casey said, rollerblading right between them.

Raph shoved him. "We ain’t mopey."

“So your just watching April and Donnie because you’re perverts then?” Mikey asked coming in from the other side, waggling his eye ridges. “Or are we still heart broken over Mona-”

“Mikey!” Leo hissed.

“Why don’t you ask Renet?” Raph growled back.

Leo groaned, it had been several months since both Renet and Mona Lisa broke up with Mikey and Raph and they both used their heart ache not to help each other heal… but to instead stab each other when convenient. It was like two dying men using their last bit of energy to scrub salt into each other's wounds. Honestly this could go on for ages. Both brothers had at one point told each other a lot of detail about their break ups, maybe in a rare moment of needing to support each other. There was a lot to unload if they went at each other. Leo really didn’t want to spend the rest of the night making sure Raph only punches soft things, and Donnie probably didn’t want to babysit Mikey to make sure he didn’t eat all the ice cream in The Lair.

Casey for once read Leo’s panicked body language and stepped in. “Hey, uh, my friend told me this really stupid joke today, you guys will get a kick out of it.”

Leo smiled wryly at his brother, who were staring at each other intently. No, this wasn’t good. This was supposed to be a fun night out, not a blood bath. He gestured for Casey to try the joke, sometimes something stupid could just change the tension in the atmosphere enough for them to both let bygones be bygones.

“I like my coffee like I like my women,” Casey said, pausing until Raph and Mikey looked at him. “Without a penis.”

The atmosphere changed, Leo felt cold. Not because of the joke Casey had made, but because of the company he had chosen to make it in. Immediately Raph and Mikey dropped into a calm demeanor as their heart break slipped to the wayside. They also stepped ever so subtly in front of Leo. “What?” Raph asked quietly.

Casey laughed nervously. “I like my coffee like I like my women,” he repeated sounding less confident. “Without-”

“No,” Raph said. “I mean how is it funny?”

“Because you would think I would say _“steaming hot and all over my lap”_ or something but instead I said-”

“Something super transphobic?” Mikey asked.

Casey rubbed the back of his head nervously. “Ah geez, I never thought of it like that,” he admitted. “Just thought it was a stupid misdirect.”

“You and I are gonna have a chat,” Raph said, putting his arm around Casey’s shoulders and dragging him away from Mikey and Leo.

“You good?” Mikey asked, prodding Leo in the chest.

Leo grabbed his finger. “That joke didn’t exactly apply to me Mikey, I’m on the other end.”

His little brother frowned but Leo really hadn’t been upset by the joke. It wasn’t a joke he found funny but it was obvious by Casey’s reaction he hadn’t realized it could have been perceived as so offensive. Leo would have likely stayed silent and not addressed it had Casey made that joke to him alone.

“It’s just, I know there was a time-”

“When I was less affirmed in myself,” Leo finished, not wanting Mikey to accidentally say too much. They were having a chill night and Leo really wanted it to stay that way. The whole family didn't need to have a huge conversation about feelings every time someone made a joke or there was some article or controversy. “And I think a few years ago those kind of jokes would make me feel really bad but I’ve toughened up.”

Mikey nodded.

“I don’t need my brothers to defend me from stupid jokes,” he said.

There was a time when Leo had more issues liking himself, or being okay with his situation. He would spend a lot of time sleeping whenever he found himself hyper aware of his body. It was something his brothers really hated to see him do but there was very little they could do aside from using the correct pronouns and name. When he was really little it was even worse, none of his siblings were going to forget that. Not ever.

Even then it still felt like sometimes it was a passing joke on TV or a story on the news and suddenly Leo was reminded of what he was and how he was seen. It wasn’t bad enough that he was a giant turtle, he also had _that_ going on.

“Come on let’s grab April and Donnie and get something to eat,” he suggested to Mikey.

At the mention of food Mikey perked up. “I guess I’ll shoot Raph a text so he knows what’s up after his talk with Casey,” he said.

Leo agreed that was a good idea, what wasn’t a good idea was how Mikey tried to draft that text while skating and ended up running into April and Donnie. At least it grabbed their attention.

~o~o~O~o~o~

They brought pizza back to The Lair after calling to ask if Master Splinter wanted to customize his pie or if he would eat whatever they got. Much to Leo’s shock Karai was still there when they arrived back, they got more than enough pizza for four humans and four turtles and thankfully Leo was able to sprinkle calcium dust on his pizza without anyone seeing. It was really important for him to get a lot of calcium and he didn't have an explanation as to why. The one time he had been caught by April, Donnie covered by saying they all need calcium and the last time he did blood work Leo was deficient. Still, it was a lot easier it he could just dust his pizza without questions.

The kitchen was too small to gather there and eat so everyone took their pizza into the pit. Karai sat next to Leo on the floor cross legged. It didn’t make his heart hammer anymore, he was getting more comfortable around her now that she had visited a few times in civilian clothes. She looked less sharp and harder to talk to when she wasn’t wearing her usual armor.

Leo couldn’t talk too much about that, he mostly ran around naked.

“Where is Raphael and Mr. Jones?” Master Splinter asked from his cushy recliner.

It had been a recliner that Casey had actually spotted for them and hung out on until they could come and collect it. Casey’s neighbor had passed and the chair no longer reclined but was otherwise in perfect condition. The blueish and gray corduroy material had no stains and with a few adjustments Donnie had fixed the chair.

For their recently made human father the seat quickly became his and they could often find their father contently in his chair while watching soap operas, his walker standing nearby. Now that he was mobile with his walker he didn't want help getting around. Leo understood that their father was eager to regain any semblance of independence.

Leo really understood. Citing any year between the ages of ten and fourteen.

Karai looked around too and Leo quickly explained even though he also found their continued absence strange. “He and Raph hung back, Sensei." He avoided the reason why, carefully choosing his words. Not because his father would not understand the situation but because April and Karai were present.

“Yeah, you think he’ll come back in a body bag?” Mikey asked while munching on a piece of pizza.

Leo shook his head and gave Mikey a _“what the shell are you doing?”_ facial expression before looking at Karai and April. Mikey’s eyes widened and he laughed nervously but the damage was already done.

“Who would be coming back in a body bag?” Donnie asked.

This wasn’t where Leo wanted the conversation to go but neither he or Mikey told Donnie what had happened. They couldn’t, not with April right there.

Trapped like a dear in the headlights Mikey did the only thing he could to save himself and shoved three pieces of pizza in his mouth.

Donnie sighed and looked to Leo. “Do you know what this is about?”

“Casey made an insensitive joke,” Leo explained, his father, brother, and their two guests continued to give him their full attention. “And Raph took it upon himself to set Casey straight on the matter but I don’t think Casey will be coming home in a body bag.”

“Insensitive how?” April asked squinting her eyes at the same time Leo finally managed to contort his face in a way that made Donnie understand what that joke could have been. That was brotherhood right there, subtle conversations with facial expressions only.

Leo swallowed. “It’s hard to explain, I don’t want to repeat it, it’s not appropriate given the current company,” he said the last part hoping some alarm bells would ring for his father but he was only listening to their conversation and watching the television.

“Oh, so it was probably something sexist,” Karai said.

Before Leo could come to Casey's defense Mikey did. “No it wasn’t sexist,” he said, then he saw the way both Leo and Donnie were looking at him, like he had shoved his foot down his throat. “I mean, it was just a joke that made fun of a certain group of people,” he said.

Leo would have sighed but instead the room went quiet.

“Wow,” April said likely assuming the worst.

Donnie also frowned deeply, quickly Casey’s name was getting dragged through the mud when he wasn’t sexist or racist and Leo didn’t want to alienate him to his friends when he wasn’t even around to defend himself. The joke only would have hurt Leo’s feelings and Casey didn’t even know that Leo could be hurt by the joke.

“April, guys,” he paused trying to figure out the best way to lay this all out. “The joke was transphobic, and completely out of character for him to say, it was just a joke a friend told him.” At least now his father was listening and looking at Leo with a little bit of concern. “It wasn’t malicious, and I wish we didn’t have to bring it up, once Raph explained how it was transphobic he seemed really sad about it. I don’t think he realized it was that kind of joke until we pointed it out.”

Of course only three people, four if Leo included himself, really understood why that joke was big deal. Transphobia was prevalent in a lot of places but since the even bigger cloud of them being mutants usually kept people away first they never had to deal with it head on. It was always second-hand. All of Leo’s brothers were supportive and Master Splinter had been Leo’s first advocate when it came to him coming out all those years ago. Unlike so many in Leo's situation he might have not had the perfect family but they tried their hardest to learn and understand.

His father even spent the time to find Leo a new name, the perfect name so he could fit along right with his brothers even though he hadn’t always been their brother.

“I’m a little shocked that you guys would even know about that kind of stuff,” April said, her body language relaxing now that Casey’s name had been cleared. Leo still felt bad about how that went down.

Leo could honestly say that was a case of ignorance not malicious intent.

“Why would that be shocking?” Donnie asked, a hint of offense in his voice.

“I mean,” she looked towards Karai for back-up. “You guys have lived in the sewers most of your lives right? Where would you even learn about those types of things? Most of the people I got to college with have to be spoon fed the concept of Gender Dysphoria and I’m supposed to not be shocked to hear Raph is currently giving Casey Jones a talking to for an insensitive joke?”

They hadn’t really come up with a back story now had they? It wasn’t like they could say their cousin whom April has never met is a transman or something. She knew their entire family.

“That shocks you more than some of the things Donnie has invented?” Karai asked, apparently she had been content to quietly eat her pizza while watching the show as her plate was empty and she was now using a napkin to clean off her nails. “I still have questions, our exterminator back at base still brings me dead cockroaches wearing armor.”

Donnie blushed and touched his face. “Well quality craftsmanship is something I pride myself in” he said.

“That doesn’t explain why they had armor, Donnie,” Karai deadpanned.

Whether Karai had changed the subject on purpose or not Leo didn’t know. He was just glad that they had steered away from the previous topic. Leo happily ate his calcium dusted pizza while listening to Donnie explain how he trained his cockroaches.

He had to admit watching Karai and April’s faces contort when he got to the part about selective breeding was pretty fun. Donnie of course talked about it completely unaware of how disturbed his audience was.

~o~o~O~o~o~

The thing about walking Karai home was Leo really didn’t need to and he only took her to where her Vespa was parked anyways but it was an excuse for him to do it and he was very sure that was what good potential boyfriends did for their potential girlfriends who were still recovering and facing some maybe permanent lung damage from the fire.

Something Karai had quietly told Leo but hadn’t told anyone else, even her father.

It meant there might be some more time before Leo could spar with her like they had in the past. He missed the game of cat and mouse he had played with her in the years before. Even if back then it had been a little safer because there was no way Karai was actually into him as anything more than a friend.

Now things were getting more domestic, less physical fights and more talking. Karai wasn’t very good at talking. She was good at listening but she wasn’t good at talking about herself or keeping conversations light and easy. She had said as an only child she learned to be seen and not heard, always watching things from the sidelines and collecting the valuable bits people weren’t always aware they were dropping.

Karai observed, and while her actions were severe she didn’t act on things before thinking. Even when situations were tense. She had the ability to be calm in chaotic situations much like Leo, they were both alike in that regard.

“I was weird back there,” she spoke finally, now that they were far enough down the tunnels that there was no risk of being overheard. “You guys make it look easy,” she said blowing a puff of air out her nose.

“You didn’t seem weird,” Leo tried to reassure.

“You were too busy being weird yourself,” she said.

Karai was also at time brutally honest and it wasn't always funny, sometimes it really sucked to be on the receiving end of it. He felt ice run down his spine at her words. There was a piercing fear that his cover just got blown but he pushed it down with everything else. Always pushing it down, hoping one day those thoughts would suffocate.

“I guess I don’t know much about that kind of stuff and April wasn’t letting it go,” she explained. “I didn’t want to ask though, your family for whatever reason seems very touchy about it.”

Leo nodded, again he was walking a tight rope. He tucked his tail closer to his body for no real reason in particular, maybe just as a reflex because he always became hyper aware of what he wasn’t and what he really wanted to be. Which was why Leo mostly avoided the topics that made him feel that way and it was a good system. Most of the time it was a good system.

And really, he hoped that once Raph talked to Casey this subject could go away, it would pop up again but that didn't mean Leo could enjoy the times when he just _was_ without disturbance.

“Well, we are mutants and I am sure a lot of people would look at us and judge us for how we look instead of what we feel inside and insist we were only that and couldn't feel like something more,” Leo tried to explain, hoping Karai would take his reasoning even if it had more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese. "In a way, we understand."

“That’s nice,” Karai said. “That you guys know about that stuff and are cool about it.”

Leo shrugged like it was no big deal. Like his family just one day understood everything about his situation and there hadn’t been a lot of tears, arguments, and horrible questions involved. But those were thoughts to review on a different day.

“In Japan, being anything but straight isn’t widely accepted,” she said, only catching Leo off guard because she said it. Master Splinter had told him of the culture in Japan, they weren’t as progressive as other places were. “Being transgender is something people just can’t wrap their heads around.”

They reached the ladder leading to the surface and Leo let her go first taking a moment to really think about how much to ask Karai. Right now in her mind, he was a boy and she liked him. The second he came out though, things would change.

He didn’t want things to change.

He wanted things to be simple.

As simple as they could be for a giant turtle and a human female.

Karai’s Vespa was just up the alleyway and Leo knew it was his last shot to just try and get a feel for what the future might be. To dip his toes into the water. To find out if there was even any water or just a straight plummet onto hard unforgiving ground. He didn’t dare get his hopes up too high, he had no idea where Karai was and it was only a little awkward to ask her sexuality when she was making such obvious advances on him.

But if she was straight and strictly straight, there was nothing he could do.

“Karai,” he said stopping her once he came out of the manhole. Karai didn’t do goodbyes, she walked away with a smirk over her shoulder so Leo had to catch her before he found away to not face the music. “What are your thoughts on it?”

“On being transgender?” she asked twisting her lips up. “I mean, I don’t know anyone who is so I guess I’ll figure it out when it happens.”

Leo deflated, it was not the answer he expected and it was not helpful at all. Still, he nodded, not wanting to blurt out the big glaring truth in some dingy alleyway and then ask her how she felt. No, he would wait. He didn’t know how much longer he could but right now they weren’t that serious.

Maybe the spark would go out on it’s own, there was no point in also corrupting their friendship it the relationship didn’t work.

“Hey,” Karai said since Leo had gotten a little caught up in his thoughts. “You guys still do Halloween?”

“We take it year by year,” Leo deflected, mentally thinking back to the calendar on the back of his bedroom door. He should be safe at least until mid-November.

Karai stepped forward and grabbed the strap going across his chest. She ran her thumb over the metal buckles and Leo stared down at the top of her head paralyzed. “Well if you do it this year... it could be a date.”

“You’re asking me, on a date?” he asked shocked. Wasn’t he supposed to be the one to ask her?

She smirked. “Am I?” she asked pushing off his chest and walking down the alleyway.

It was one hell of a goodbye Leo decided since he stood there for a few moments only to be snapped out of it by a Styrofoam take out box skittering across the alleyway.

A date with Karai, so much for the spark dying out.


	3. sense to you

* * *

October 27th, 2018

* * *

There was a comic.

Or more accurately a graphic novel made by a _Space Heroes_ fan in 2009, nearly seven years after the show had ended in 2003. A fellow transman set out to draw a thirty three paged story where Captain Ryan was born a girl and trying his best to keep his secret away from his crew.

The novel showed things that other stories didn’t, the hyper awareness of everything about your body when you’re in the wrong one being the centerfold. Captain Ryan always smoothed his uniform over his chest unsure if his binder was keeping his chest flat. He would touch his throat and wonder about his lack of defined Adam’s Apple. The story was filled with that dread, that anxiety Leo could never really explain to his brothers. Whenever he was outside his close knit family, whenever he was in the company of people and mutants who didn’t know Leo was only presenting as a male… he felt like a spy undercover.

He felt like at any moment Casey would just suddenly know Leo wasn’t male and say something. Or that April would ask him point blank why his tail was small and he wouldn’t have a convincing answer.

Leo sometimes wished they wore clothes, or samurai skirts. Something to cover them from the waist down because April knew the first day they saved her that they had tails.

_“You guys do flips and splits naked, of course I saw your tails,”_ she had snickered much to their humiliation.

Maybe more for his brothers, there tails were thick and fat and longer. They were sensitive to touch because that’s where their penises were folded up. Leo had to assume April and Casey didn’t know the significance of their thick tails.

If they did, one of them would have asked.

That was Leo’s Adam’s Apple, his tail. Just like tail size, Adam’s Apples weren’t an definitive masculine marker. Some men had small Adam’s Apples, some women had big ones. So not all transmen would go out of their way to obsess about it. In the world of reptiles sometimes female turtles had thicker tails than usual, sometimes male turtles had thinner tails. Sometimes even breeders couldn't tell just by looking.

Leo knew looking at his tail he was no where near thick enough to say it was just skinny for a male's tail.

Even so he still made sure to never let April or Casey get too close of a look. With Karai around he also added her to that list. It would get tricky if they got as touchy as April and Donnie were. What would he do if Karai asked to see his tail? Say no?

He hated his tail. It was a thin, dainty looking appendage.

Pushing away the thoughts of his tail and the nightmare of Karai commenting on its pathetic appearance, he continued scrolling down his phone. Yes, _Under The Captain’s Uniform_ was by far the best graphic novel Leo had seen. Mikey had found it for him a few years ago, on some site Leo probably would never be able to navigate on his own, not with his trouble with technology.

Mikey didn’t understand the significance of some of the things in the story. Yet, he still found it for Leo and knew it had significance to him.

There were uncomfortable things that even Leo didn’t really talk about.

Packers were a little confusing to grasp for his family. The idea of wearing one was to help with dysphoria, Leo’s situation meant there was no way he could wear a packer to help cope with the feeling of not having a penis.

Seeing Captain Ryan wear one made Leo feel less strange, because Captain Ryan was a leader, and he was looked up to, and if he could wear a soft silicone mold of the genitals he wished he had then Leo could feel less bad about his own need for a penis or something to replace it.

Donnie had offered to try something like a silicone sock that could go over Leo’s tail to give in the appearance of being thicker. It was obvious though that Donnie didn’t grasp how it would help, and it was also obvious that when if came to the heart of the issue his family couldn’t keep up. They had the parts that matched their heads.

Leo always imagined it like crossing a bridge that only he could see. His family could walk up to the bridge and Leo could explain over and over the thing about missing a penis and they would echo back something that wasn’t exactly what Leo was getting at. There were some things that couldn’t be explained, and there were some things they would never understand. So they stayed on one side and Leo did to, because he didn't want to go over there alone.

So while it was a nice offer for Donnie to make him a turtle version of a packer, Leo had declined. He hadn’t missed the subtle relief that seemed to flicker in Donnie’s expression.

Back when that had been offered, Leo had been eleven and so had Donnie.

These days Donnie was a lot more versed in Leo’s anatomy. He had to be, Leo’s body did something awful to him three times a year (sometimes four if he was unlucky, and he usually was.) At that thought Leo glanced at the calendar on the back of his door. He hated what Donnie had to do to manage his condition, but there was no way they could go back to the old way.

If he was a human, he would just have to deal with blood every month.

He wished it could just be blood.

He wished he wasn’t a female turtle.

Captain Ryan was like Leo in the story, he too had no hormones, no testosterone injections. So he had to do the things Leo did. He had to train himself to speak deeper, he had to work out harder than his brothers to gain the same amount of muscle. He had to manage his cycles…

At least Donnie, ever since he had to start managing Leo’s condition in such as invasive way, had been completely professional. It allowed Leo to lay back, spread his legs, let the drugs and mild sedative kick in and disassociate for two hours while Donnie took care of it.

Donnie saved Leo’s life three to four times a year.

Of course Donnie would never let Leo say that to him, Donnie had maintained that he was doing what he would do for any of his brothers.

So no, Leo wasn’t about to ask Donnie for more when he already helped Leo with the worst possible thing. No longer did Leo ever have to worry about screaming his head off for hours in the bathtub. No more blood loss, no more stitches, no more weeks of uncomfortable swelling followed by weeks of bed rest.

No more nearly dying, no more wondering if suicide was the only way to escape the horrors he went through every few months.

Leo wasn’t going to ask for more.

His situation had already caused his family so much turmoil, there were things he could handle alone. Just like Captain Ryan.

That wasn’t the reason he was up though, in a few weeks he would have to go through some unpleasant stuff but there were always cartoons, triple fudge non-dairy vegan ice cream, and comfortable places to lay afterwards. And of course Leo only had to take it easy for two or three days before he was back to his good old self.

The reason he was up was because of Karai.

A date.

He was so screwed.

~o~o~O~o~o~

While the kettle heated up Leo fell back on old habits. He had to check on his little brothers, he had to make sure they were safe. Twenty or not, they were his little brothers. And because of their biological nature Leo was the biggest of them all. Even if Donnie was taller, Leo was bigger. His shell was larger, his body was larger, he still ate like he was fourteen and going through a growth spurt and Donnie told him he might still get a little bigger.

Female turtles were larger than male turtles.

Leo’s skull, his damn head, was bigger than his brother’s. Something they hadn’t realized until Donnie made helmets for the stealth bike a year ago and Leo could not get it on. It wasn’t a tight fit, he physically couldn’t squeeze himself into the helmet.

The one benefit of that was in humans men tended to be larger, so around Casey and April and mostly anyone who assumed that must be true for the humanoid turtles, probably thought Leo was just a big male turtle.

Big or not Leo was still a ninja and he was very silent about peaking in on his brother. He surprising found that Donnie was actually asleep in his own bed, something that rarely happened unless he was carried to bed after staying awake for 72 hours or sick. Mikey was asleep in the middle of his own bed, blankets tangled around him, and Raph…

Raph wasn’t back yet.

Leo drew his mouth into a tight line.

They were twenty now, a little old to have curfews and bedtimes. Master Splinter had let them out of the nest but that didn’t mean it wasn’t four in the morning.

Four in the morning with no text or note.

Leo pushed that anxiety down. His brothers liked to call him _“dad”_ whenever he expressed concern over them. Leo didn’t know if his concern was rooted somewhere in his sex, that because he was born with female parts he was “motherly” and “overly-protective” he often wondered if there was a male version of himself in some other dimension. Would that male-Leo be just as worried? Would that male-Leo get called “dad” by his siblings?

Or maybe that male-Leo would be a cooler more relaxed big brother.

What if he was uptight because it was ingrained in him?

Maybe the male version of himself liked manly things instead of candles and meditation. The male version of himself probably didn’t worship Captain Ryan while growing up or spent so much time in the Dojo practicing.

The male version of himself was probably a lot better than the version he was stuck as. The one that sat between worlds. Not right enough in the head to be a girl, but didn’t have the parts to be a boy.

Leo left the bedroom area admonishing himself. He was traveling down a dangerous path of questioning and self deprecation. He didn’t need that, he didn’t need to worry about the perfect male-Leo that he wasn’t.

There was a good reason those thoughts were cropping up.

Male-Leo probably had no issue with dating Karai, no hang-ups, no crippling anxiety over sex. No fear that she would laugh at him for being so weird. Why couldn’t he just be a male, why did he have to have these parts when he could have those parts.

Tea wasn’t going to fix this, talking to Karai would fix this. How was he supposed to do that, invite her over and sit her down and just say: “I don’t have a penis, let’s talk.” And then hope she doesn’t walk away disgusted by him?

No thanks, that sounded like a nightmare.

But he would have to tell her.

He didn’t have to tell Casey, or April, or the Mighty Mutanimals… but he needed to tell Karai. Because Karai was someone that needed to be in the know. The only thing more painful than her not liking him for something he couldn’t control would be her talking about the future like he had parts he didn’t.

Karai didn’t take things slow, Leo was the one dragging his feet. If he let things progress as fast as Karai was flirting... they would be on his bed kissing the daylight out of each other. (Not that he minded the idea in the slightest.)

He should feel good that Karai likes him so much, he should feel overjoyed that all this time she had been pining after him as much as he did her. She was beautiful, and snarky. She was strong and knew what she wanted and she didn’t follow rules and she was too good too be true. And even though she was short and so much smaller than he was, she still attacked him with no regard for her own well being, even though Leo could likely just lay on top of her and crush her.

He didn’t want that to change. He didn’t want her to stop treating him like the man she thought he was.

All of that weighed on his heart, sometimes thinking about it made it feel like there was someone crushing him.

Leo resigned himself to spending the night in the kitchen alone with his tea and all the bad thoughts he could come up with. He didn’t want to go to his father who was still recovering from his transformation back to human form. Donnie rarely slept, Mikey was hard to wake when he was that tired, and Raph was gone.

And even if someone was awake, no one wanted to hear Leo fret over Karai. They were happy things were going well and giving Leo space. Which he appreciated, but he also had no one to confide in.

He would just need to find a way to go ahead and tell her.

He ran his finger around the edge of his teacup in thought, maybe on their date. They would be alone, and his brothers wouldn’t be there to pass judgment immediately on Karai. She shouldn’t feel like she has to be with him. Leo understood if she wanted a boyfriend with a penis.

Hell, Karai probably wanted him to have a penis as badly as he did.

The only difference was she could walk away from the situation.

He couldn’t.

He was stuck.

~o~o~O~o~o~

Raph came home at seven in the morning and all the blood drained out of his face when he saw Leo sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of barely touched tea.

However, it wasn’t what it looked like, Leo wasn’t up for Raph’s sake, he was up for his own. Haunted by his own thoughts to the point where he had given up on the idea of crawling back into bed. He needed time to think about exactly how he was going to tell Karai.

Raph swallowed. “You’re up early,” he said.

Leo nodded, no point in correcting him and saying he had been up all night. Leo really didn’t want to talk about it. “Were you out all night?”

“What of it, _dad_?” Raph asked opening the fridge and pulling out the carton of eggs.

Ignoring the attempt to rile him up Leo sipped his cold tea. “Did your conversation with Casey go well?” he asked.

Raph was really focusing on making himself something to eat, and not looking at Leo. “Oh, yeah, uh it’s cool,” he said while bent down searching the lower cupboards for a non-stick pan. “He just, didn’t know, you know?”

“Yes,” Leo said, he looked for signs that Raph was drunk or recovering from drinking a lot. It was one of the things Leo never could approve of Raph doing and the few times Raph had come home drunk after a night at Casey’s, Leo had had ignored the both of them for a week.

His brother was not shaking, his speech was Bostonian but not slurred. From where Leo was sitting he looked sober and clear headed.

But he was hiding something.

“You want an egg?” Raph asked, all with his shell to Leo.

“No, I’m not hungry,” Leo mumbled looking down.

Raph huffed. “Okay, two eggs for you, four for me.”

Leo didn’t argue. Raph may not keep a calendar on the back of his door tracking it… but he knew they were approaching a time where Leo needed to up his protein, his iron, and his calcium intake. Pretty soon Donnie would start throwing supplements at him and then it would be real and then the anxiety would really set it.

“You were gone a long time,” Leo said. “Did you and Casey get into trouble-”

Raph dropped an egg. “Ah dammit Leo,” he cursed.

There was something going on and immediately Leo wondered if he could go out into the conversation pit and turn on the TV to find his answer. What kind of trouble could Casey and Raph have gotten in to?

“Look, you need to lay off me,” Raph snapped after wiping the egg up off the floor. “So what, nothing happened okay, so don’t sit there with your _tea_ and your _pensive face_ and judge me.”

Leo blinked.

“I’m not the one around here slacking okay?” he huffed slamming the egg soaked balled up paper towel into the garbage can with a thud. “You’re so blinded by Karai that you have ignored your- your- your brotherly duties!”

No, Leo was certain his brotherly duties were being attended to. He stared at Raph a little startled by his aggressive response to a simple question. “How have I ignored my brotherly duties?” he asked, if just to play along with Raph’s charade.

His brother pointed out of the kitchen. “Mikey,” he said.

“Mikey?” Leo asked.

“Mikey,” Raph nodded desperately trying to work out his lie before Leo got suspicious but Leo was already suspicious and had already mentally penciled in the fact that he needed to interrogate Casey about this because something did happened. It was very concerning that Raph was so riled up he forgot his biggest play, he could just tell Leo to fuck off, but he didn’t.

It meant this was something that had Raph seriously flustered.

It was Leo’s brotherly duty to get to the bottom of this one and fast.

Raph shook his finger warningly at Leo. “Stop, stop looking at me with that face.”

“What face?”

“That face!” Raph said, pointing to Leo’s face. “There ain’t nothing here for you to be digging into okay? We are friends, Casey is just my friend, we are two guys that are friends, Leo.”

“Okay…” Leo said slowly.

He was very aware that Raph and Casey were good friends, why was Raph acting so strange? He would meditate over it.

After a nap.

Raph nodded and wet his lips. “Okay, but what you do need to worry about is Mikey,” he said. “He’s been hanging out with the Might Mutanimals an awful lot, Leo.”

Leo nodded while Raph searched for a whisk in the drawer. “Well they have a pool,” he pointed out.

“So do we!” Raph snapped.

“It’s not at big as their pool though,” Leo added. Raph made a grumble that couldn’t be translated into anything. “I don’t really think it’s the pool Raph, you know Leatherhead is Mikey’s best friend.”

Raph aggressively whipped the eggs up, like he had a grudge to settle with the very concept of breakfast. “Yeah?” he asked pointing at the curtain door with the whisk and flinging egg across the room. “Well I think you need to wake up and smell the alligator scented roses. Now are you gonna brother up and talk to Mikey before or after he comes back home one day walking funny?”

Oh.

“He’s still not over Renet-” Leo tried to argue.

Raph rolled his eyes. “You don’t understand, Renet was just a rest stop on a long journey. The person he really wants in the one who’s been by his side for years… not some girl he met in space.”

“Mikey met Renet on a rooftop,” Leo said raising an eye ridge.

“Right, rooftop, that’s what I meant,” Raph said staring hard into his bowl and whisking slowly.

Leo sipped his tea, his cold disgusting tea.

There was something going on with Raph… he just couldn’t tell what.

~o~o~O~o~o~

Leo hadn’t told his brothers about Karai asking him on a date.

The biggest reason was that meant they would ask if he was going to tell her about… being transgender. Leo knew no one would tell Karai behind his back, but he also knew until he did tell Karai his entire family had to walk on eggshells to prevent anything from slipping out.

Especially now that they were nearing a really bad time for Leo, they would either need to have Karai in on what was happening or keep her away from The Lair like they do with April and Casey.

They could usually keep their friends away for two weeks and that was enough time for no one to be the wiser about Leo’s condition.

But Karai had been consistently coming over a few times a week. To suddenly deny her of that time with her father just so Leo could hide away wasn’t exactly fair. The other option would be Master Splinter leaving their home to see Karai somewhere else but he wasn’t at full health. He took naps often, still used his walker, and was still being kept under the watchful eyes of Donnie.

Also, Master Splinter had always been there for Leo during. Even if he could go somewhere he would never leave Leo to go through the procedure without a hand to hold on to. Leo was willing to admit that a little comfort during that ordeal helped to quell his anxiety. The rare times it had to be done without their father Leo had suffered through with a lot of nerves.

He knew Raph and Mikey were a little too squeamish to be expected to stay with him through that.

The day had been sporadic, their schedules weren’t ironed out. Leo lead them in some training exercises just to keep them nimble. He had made plans for all of them to go running tomorrow night. Blowing off some steam with intense exercise might be Leo’s only chance at sleeping before his date with Karai.

Now, hours after the strange conversation with Raph, Leo was watching a movie with Mikey. _Apollo 18_ or _Apollo 13_ , Mikey had mumbled towards the end and refuse to clarify. Mikey assured him it was about space which made it good enough for Leo.

It wasn’t a great movie and Mikey seemed to notice Leo’s head was somewhere else, he tapped Leo with his foot. “Give me the tea,” he ordered pausing the film.

Leo was hip and knew this was not a request for his favorite beverage. Also his resolve to not tell anyone about his date with Karai was expiring. He drummed his fingers over his knee for a second to pretend like he didn't want to tell Mikey but his hand was being forced. “Karai asked me out.”

Mikey scooted forward.

“That’s it, she wants to hang out on Halloween because I can be outside with her and people won’t know I’m not human.”

His little brother nodded. “And you didn’t tell us immediately because…?”

“What if I tell her about you know... and she doesn’t like me anymore?” he asked wincing.

“Leo, if you tell her and she doesn’t like you anymore, then she didn’t really like you in the first place.”

Without elaborating his brother resumed the movie and let Leo stew over his words. He leaned back against his bean bag chair. He would tell her after their date.

That way before he dies alone he can always hold on to the fact that one time, he, Hamato Leonardo went on an actual date.

The worst thing about that graphic novel was there was never another issue. It just ended with Captain Ryan pulling his second in command aside to tell him the truth. It never went further than that. The artist never updated and Leo found it fitting.

Once he told Karai there was no telling what might happen.


	4. but i can't really find

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: [highlight to view]  
> -Internalized transphobia  
> -Sexual topics discussed

* * *

October 31st, 2018

* * *

Leo remembered one of his lowest moments in front of Casey and April was his complete refusal to wear a dress.

It had been shortly after Casey had popped into their lives that their new human friend was appalled to learn they waited months after movies were in theaters to see them when obviously they could dress up as old woman and buy tickets for opening night. So when a new Godzilla movie hit the big screens in all its glory Casey had hatched his plan to have them cross-dress.

No big deal for four male turtles who were completely comfortable with themselves to cross-dress right? No big deal to wear make-up and wigs and chatter away about bingo while Casey explained to the ticket boy that he was taking his grandmother and her posse out for a movie night for “Grandmother’s Day.”

Note that Grandmother’s Day isn’t a holiday.

Looking back Leo had made a fool of himself by defiantly saying no and saying he would gladly miss out on the movie he had excitedly talked about for months. It was a left over symptom of when he wasn’t Leo, he was that other name, and he was constantly steered towards more feminine activities by their father. See, when a little girl tells their dad that she’s a boy, they don’t get what they want. Instead the feminine activities aren’t suggestions, they are requirements.

While Leo’s brothers understood his repulsion towards dresses and make-up, Casey and April didn’t. It was Donnie who pointed out that Leo would raise suspicion by making a big deal out of it.

They did see Godzilla in theaters.

It was awesome.

Was Leo a dysphoric mess the whole time? Yep. Did he sleep for several days afterwards? Yep. Did he ever do it again? Nope.

“Tilt your chin up” Mikey said, he was doing Leo a huge favor by applying his makeup. Mikey had skillfully made it look like Leo’s mouth was open with rows of razor sharp teeth covered in blood. The illusions was broken as soon as Leo opened his mouth to talk, making a smaller mouth appear in the black abyss.

Leo stayed completely still while Mikey worked, it was a tedious job and Mikey wanted to do a good job. This make-up was okay, it was costume make-up, not girly make-up.

Couple costumes had been Donnie’s idea, the double date had been April’s idea, and the heart-breaking way Karai had admitted to never dressing up for Halloween made Leo follow along with the scheme. April was going to be a mad inventor and Donnie would be her half-machine half-turtle monster. Karai was keeping her half of the costume a secret, and only told Leo to be a Kappa.

Or the mythical river demon in Japanese mythology that happened to look somewhat like a turtle-man. All Leo had to do was find green fabric that matched his skin tone so he could have his wrappings and hide a weapon under them. Then he wore a wooden Yoroi that had some fake seaweed on it to give off the illusion he had just came out of a river.

He also wore a tattered samurai skirt which very discreetly gave his tail more cover and only increased his want to wear one all the time.

If he did though, he would risk being less and less like his brothers when there were already so many differences.

“You’re really not doing Halloween this year?” Leo asked as Mikey packed away all of his make-up supplies. He had a lot on the grounds that one never really knew when they might need to assimilate into a prison full of clowns.

His little brother nodded. “I’m just gonna chill with the Mighty Mutanimals, it’d be a little hard to convincingly dress up Leatherhead as something you know?”

Leo supposed that was a good enough reason. “Just… don’t eat too much candy.”

“No promises,” Mikey teased.

Rolling his eyes Leo stood up to look himself in the mirror properly. He did look like a monster, a human eating monster. Was this really a good date idea? Maybe Halloween wasn’t a good first date idea, he looked horrifying. Either way he sighed, cupped his hand in front of his mouth and nose to smell his own breath just to make sure he didn’t need to brush his teeth for a seventh time.

Still minty.

Though he doubted Karai would want to kiss him with all of the make-up.

Donnie was waiting impatiently by the turnstiles, his foot tapped quickly over the cement as Leo mouthed that he was coming and they both quickly made their way down the tunnels. “April and Karai are going to meet us outside the Laundromat on the corner of 48th Street.”

“Great,” Leo said trying to quell the rising anxiety in his chest. A date with Karai, was he nuts?

Donnie smacked his shoulder. “You look great, Karai is going to love your costume.”

Maybe he said it to make Leo feel better, maybe he actually meant it, there was no way to be sure. Leo nodded and they made their way to the correct service ladder in silence.

~o~o~O~o~o~

Karai was dressed as a mutilated Geisha. There was a make-up part of her neck completely gnawed away and her beautiful costume kimono was drenched with blood. Of course it wasn’t a real kimono. Leo’s jaw dropped at her face, completely white with black cherry red lips and exaggerated eye make-up. She was gorgeous and she sucked all the moisture out of his throat.

“It’s a wig,” she said looking up at him and smoothing her hair. “I don’t know if I could deal with long hair all the time.”

Leo made the same noise a bagpipe would if it was stepped on.

“You look cool,” she smirked, running her finger between the wooden rods of his chest plate. A chill ran down his spine as he desperately pleaded for his mouth to stop being so dry. “You do your make-up?”

“No, Mikey did,” he rasped out shocked a whole cloud of dust didn’t erupt out of his mouth in a plume.

She nodded and removed her finger from his armor and luckily Leo didn’t shudder like a damn fool. “I get it, Shini did mine thank fuck. You think I could do this?”

Leo didn’t know how to answer that. “Are you wearing heels?”

Karai lifted the hem of her kimono to show him her uncomfortable looking shoes that gave her about five extra inches of height. Even with that Leo was still nearly a foot taller than her. “I brought some flats” she said gesturing to her basket, “and water bottles so hopefully they don’t check my bag for outside drinks.”

Leo nodded, this was a mistake, his knees felt wobbly. This was a date, an actual date and Karai was beautiful.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“You’re very pretty,” Leo blurted out.

He was going to go home and bang his skull on the sewer walls.

“Shut up,” Karai snorted while turning her head away, it was an odd reaction. She took his hand and lead him forward out of the alleyway. “Come on we need to catch up to April and Donnie.”

Leo stumbled forward with her, their hands clasped together, his arm brushing the sleeve of her kimono as they walked down the sidewalk.

He was freaking out.

~o~o~O~o~o~

Unsurprisingly Donnie and April set their sights on couple activities like the slow boat ride through a haunted tunnel and left Leo and Karai high and dry to navigate the park by themselves.

Leo had had this dream before (minus the costumes) where he got to walk around hand in hand with Karai and do really cheesy dating things. It had always seemed impossible because Leo was a giant turtle and Karai was a gorgeous woman. Now that gorgeous woman was walking around a themed carnival with him.

“Remember when I lived here for months as a crazy snake mutant?” she asked while they sat in a very dirty food court, both with corn dogs, fries, and soda. Leo had three corn dog in his little paper tray but Karai didn’t question it. He was a big guy after all.

A big guy who was currently in the early stages of forming manly eggs in his manly uterus.

Great.

Walking around and seeing other people’s costumes had relaxed Leo passed the initial date freak out, so instead of Karai’s blunt statement throwing him off or making him choke he just looked around and nodded. “You weren’t all crazy,” he said. “You knew who we were.”

“I was a creepy three headed monster woman, you don’t want to know what I was thinking about you guys,” she muttered pushing a soggy fry around in some sauce. “Especially you.”

Leo swallowed a bite of food prematurely, it seemed to cling on for dear life all the way down his esophagus. “Oh-,” he choked out while quickly reaching for his root beer. Something Karai had made fun of him for, in Japan root beer flavoring was used in children’s medicine and not widely liked in candy or drink.

“Yeah,” she grimaced, and she was pretty even when she scrunched her cute human nose up. “Let’s just say that version of me would have loved to take you back to my newspaper nest.”

“Your… newspaper nest?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I would have been honored to see your news paper nest,” Leo affirmed.

Karai laughed nervously. She never laughed nervously and it took Leo by surprise. “Okay but the reason I wanted to take you to the newspaper nest was for very gross reasons.”

Leo blinked.

“To fuck you, I wanted to fuck you,” she deadpanned.

He wished Mikey had painted his face green in the areas where his bloody razor sharp tooth mouth wasn’t, that way he couldn’t turn red. It was happening too often. “Maybe I would have liked your newspaper nest even more,” he said, not really thinking.

“You would fuck me as that creature?”

He was in too deep. “Yep,” he said with a pop of his lips. His tail squirmed uncomfortably under his samurai skirt.

She twisted her face up, crinkling her thickly layered white make-up. Leo found her scales had been so pretty and white, he wouldn’t have minded her guiding him to a bed of newspaper. Well, maybe an actual bed with sheets would have been better. “You’d put your turtle dick in my snake pussy?”

There it was, he felt cold. “I would, I would put my dick right in there.”

“What, no foreplay?” she asked, conducting this train wreck of a conversation with a limp cheesy fry in hand.

“I’m not about to reveal my trade secrets,” he said feeling the horrified stares of the patrons at tables nearby, were there children in the area? Hopefully not.

She laughed and kicked her feet under the table. “You make it sound like you’re writing a book-”

“Maybe I am,” Leo played along. He gripped his hands together under the table and ignored how close they were to his dreaded coming out. He didn’t have to come out until after their date. That was a little hard when he just implied he had a penis.

“Okay, keep your trade secrets,” she teased, kicking him lightly. For a wonderful moment that was all she said. “What if I had laid eggs?” she asked with a shudder. “Wouldn’t that be disgusting?”

His heart stumbled over itself. “Yeah, it would be really gross.”

It’d be really gross and weird and disgusting if it turned out he had no penis and laid eggs. Good thing he was a normal guy.

Oh wait.

Karai hummed suddenly and grabbed his attention. “They have those photo booths,” she said pointing over his shoulder. Leo turned his head to look at where she was pointing and Karai cleared her throat and acted like it wasn’t as cool as she had just made it sound. “I, that sounded dumb, I never got to do this kind of crap as a kid-”

“I’ve never taken a photo of a booth either,” Leo assured her.

She opened and closed her mouth a few times. “No… you get inside the booth and you take a few pictures and then a roll of your photos is printed out,” she explained. “Whatever, it’s dumb,” she said looking away and smoothing the hair on her wig.

“Right,” Leo said. “Well I’ve never done that either.”

He ended up throwing away half his food, his appetite left the building and tossed in every bad thought in its absence. Leo would do whatever Karai wanted of him. After all once they said goodbye he would have to come out, and once he did that she would find him to be some egg laying confused freak.

~o~o~O~o~o~

Leo was a big guy with a cumbersome shell but he avoided ripping the curtain down on the way into the booth and they managed to sit on the bench inside without too much of an issue. The man outside the booth even complimented their costumes and Karai had to explain why her basket had fake cucumbers in it.

They took one photo to make it look like Leo was eating her neck, they hoped it turned out scary. They took one with silly faces, one with her on his lap, and then the last one she cupped his face and kissed him on the mouth.

The machine spit out their photos and Karai was overjoyed at his shocked face in the last one. Leo was still pumped full of helium and floating when she showed him, beak still tingling with the softness of her lips. He had a growing list of things he would love to do to Karai, he would love to touch her lips. They were soft and delicate and his were tough, reptilian.

Karai seemed pleased with the photos and agreed to hold onto his until they got home. Though she would probably burn them once he came out.

“Are you okay?” she asked out of nowhere, her hand shifting in his.

“Yeah,” he lied. Maybe he should tell her now before they get any further.

She didn’t seem to believe him, she frowned. “Let’s go to my place. We can get out of this crap and watch a movie or something.”

If he was being honest that sounded amazing-

“Fuck,” Karai yelled, Leo caught her around the waist before she fell to the ground. It wasn’t very hard to do, compared to him she was tiny. He could lift her over his head with one arm easily… though she would probably object to that. “My heel broke.”

Leo spotted a bench nearby and awkwardly carried (but mostly dragged) Karai to it. With no hesitation he knelt down and took her broken shoe off and gently felt her left ankle.

Karai hissed out in pain, it seemed sprained or twisted. She could move her foot it just hurt. “I knew this would happen,” she muttered out. “I never wear heels.”

“Then why wear them tonight?” Leo asked.

“Because Shini and April strong armed me into it!” she groaned while leaning down to massage her foot. “I am not good at this.”

Leo stayed quiet, this was his girlfriend, not his brother and he fought back the urge to immediately comfort Karai past just staying right next to her on one knee. “What do you mean?”

“I spent my whole life training and being told I need to avenge my mother’s death. I don’t do heels and dresses Leo. I don’t think I have ever worn a dress in my life,” she said irritably. “I’m bad at this.”

As if Leo didn’t know all about not falling into stereotypes. He remembered initially when he was a child being placated with assurances from his father that some girls don’t like dresses and pretending to be princesses. He had said at first Leo was just a “tomboy” or a girl who liked boy things. He didn’t actually want to be a boy.

Karai tried to stand up and put some weight on her left foot and grimaced, Leo was quick to stand with her and wrap his arm around her back and offer his other hand for support. “You don’t have to wear dresses and heels for me Karai,” he said.

“Yeah, I should have known that but I fell for it.”

“Fell for what?”

“The whole cookie cutter thing I was suppose to be tonight. I’m not a girly girl Leo, this kimono is a nightmare, heels are so uncomfortable, and getting into tights was a two woman job,” she said running her hand over her outfit. “On our next date we should do something really messy to make up for this.”

Next date. Because there was so going to be another date after he came out to her.

Totally.

They walked slowly but it was obvious Karai was in more pain than she was letting on. “Here,” Leo said taking her basket with the fake cucumbers from her before picking her up bridal style. Karai let out a startled yelp that Leo ignored in favor of picking up his speed towards the exit of the park.

“You don’t have to carry me,” Karai whispered looking around like her reputation was in jeopardy. “I can walk.”

“You were walking too slow,” Leo said, now able to take longer strides and capitalize on his long legs to really speed walk to the Foot Clan’s Headquarters. “We can move quicker now.”

“It’s a sprain, not a gushing head wound-”

Leo adjusted his grip on her from bridal style to putting her over his shoulder. “Hold on, we’re taking a direct route back.”

Karai smacked his shell. “Hamato Leonardo you are not carrying me over the fucking rooftops-” she was cut off when he jumped up onto the first landing of a fire escape using his left arm to pull himself up, his right was on Karai’s lower back holding her in place. He pivoted and hooked his heel over the edge all while Karai went still as possible.

“It’s faster.” he said once he got on to the roof, mentally mapping out the path to Karai’s place where he could leap over alleyways without too much trouble. Karai wasn’t heavy or anything and Leo was currently at peak physical fitness.

At least for a week or two more.

His chest armor clicked against his plastron every time he hopped an alleyway and Karai made a disgruntled noise, clinging tightly to him and whispering over and over how much she hated him for doing this.

~o~o~O~o~o~

Let it be know that Shinigami is evil.

Karai had warned Leo, she had told him that Shini liked to set things on fire and laugh in that exact order. He shrugged it off but kept his guard up around her.

However, as time went on and Leo slowly fell into a little teenage rebellion what felt like years ago (but really was only a year ago) he let Shini through his defenses and became an honorary sister in their arson group. Leo wasn’t exactly proud of his behavior then, he was desperate to get back at The Shredder, maybe still battling nightmares every night.

Shini and Karai were pissed off and Leo had enough candles that even he couldn’t deny the pull to watch fire dance.

Things still catch on fire from time to time. A sports-car belonging to one of Oroku Saki’s lawyers goes up in a ball of fire, the She-Shed belonging to the NYPD Chief’s wife catches on fire in a horrible accident. Leo could shrug it off, don’t be a dirty cop. If anything Leo is the neutralizer to the two fire bugs. No homes, and no places where people will die.

That meant no buildings, firefighters were people and Leo didn’t want to risk their lives either.

That meant Shini had to set fires in different ways.

For example when Leo came to the headquarters carrying Karai in his arms Shini lead them to Karai’s room and then flat out refused to help Karai get cleaned up. Her costume was involved and even if her ankle wasn’t twisted she would still need help.

That was when Shini pulled the most evil card she could: inactivity.

Leo’s mouth hung open like in the cartoons, it might as well have hit the floor.

“Shini just help me get out of this damn outfit,” Karai hissed, not human hissed, but it actually came through at the end. A touch more snake than human.

The witch (and Leo meant that literally) shook her head. “But darling don’t you see,” she said in a cutesy voice while framing her and Leo in her index fingers and thumb. “If he has to help you undress it will cause comedic sexual tension,” she giggled. “And you were just saying the other day that if your relationship moves any slower you’ll have to jump him in an alleyway-”

“Shini!” Karai begged. “Shut up.”

Leo closed his mouth, Karai wanted to jump him in an alleyway. Hell, talk about a thought that left him daydreaming immediately. Sadly as hot as that sounded it ended pretty fast when fantasy Karai grabbed his skinny tail and nothing popped out of his cloaca.

“Well I’m not helping,” Shini huffed. “Just be a normal couple and have sex already.”

“Shini!”

“Fine I’m leaving!”

There was a poof of smoke and suddenly Leo was left with an injured Karai who he now knew was dissatisfied with the pace of their relationship. Leo didn’t exactly know when sex was going to happen or who would initiate it or how it would even work between them.

Still holding onto Leo for stability Karai cleared her throat. “The kimono isn’t real there’s just a zipper in the back I can’t reach, I just need help getting it off and then I can get in the shower by myself.”

“Okay,” Leo said hoping he sounded way more confident. He just had to help Karai take her kimono off, nothing awkward about that. “I’ll close my eyes,” he said once they were in her bathroom with the door closed.

That was the polite thing to do.

Karai hopped around on one foot so she could brace against the sink.

Leo gathered the hair of her wig and placed it over her shoulder, he then unzipped her costume all the way down to the small of her back. She lifted her hands above her head and Leo grabbed the sleeves pulling the kimono over her head and off of her until he was suddenly standing behind Karai in nothing more than white tights and a long sleeved white shirt.

He oggled, it would have been impossible not to. Karai was a martial artist and she had a toned shapely body. While her armor didn’t leave much to the imagination, white tights were near transparent. She was wearing cornflower blue underwear and a black bra. The fabric clung to her in all the right places and Leo felt a rush of longing to touch her.

“I can take it from here,” she said turning around.

Leo closed his mouth and nodded before stepping backwards and fumbling for the door knob.

He had always struggle with his orientation. As a young boy he immediately crushed on a lot of female cartoon characters, Lola Bunny from Space Jam had been one of the more embarrassing ones looking back. As he and his brothers watched less cartoons and more live action he found other females to crush on. His mind played tricks on him, he did so many things to make sure he was as male as possible he worried that he was just mimicking the way his brothers acted and their attractions.

What just happened with Karai was confirmation of one thing, women were definitely a turn on. He wiggled his tail slightly and confirmed something else that was way less pleasant.

Wetness.

He should have actually closed his eyes.

Leo groaned at the uncomfortable secretion. That was embarrassing, he needed to find a bathroom and clean himself up. Not only did he need to wipe the inside of his tail dry but he should clean his make-up off and get out of his own costume.

~o~o~O~o~o~

In one of the showers Leo had used quite often in their arson days, he discreetly washed away the syrupy slick from his slit. This was another sign that his calendar was accurate. He was currently battling his natural body wanting to fertilize the forming eggs inside of him.

To put it very simply he was deep in the woods of sexual frustration and easy turn on. At home this wasn’t a big deal. Leo’s methods of distracting himself were training, more training, and cold showers.

If all that failed there was a sweet spot just under his slit that he could press on and massage until he got some release. Of course while the pay off was the end of that frustration for a little bit, the big downfall was Leo didn’t feel great about touching himself. If anything he would feel a bit melancholy afterwards which was why when he did have to resort to that he did it before bed. Get it over with, clean up, sleep for a solid eight hours.

Donnie had happily supplied him with the knowledge that his clitoris was probably just inside his cloaca down in his tail an inch or two. Leo was perfectly fine massaging his parts from the outside and would in no way shape or form be exploring new ways of doing a job he already had down well enough.

It still hadn’t crossed his mind that having a date with Karai while he was ovulating would be so problematic. His body didn’t know Karai was a girl and had no interest in fertilizing his stupid eggs, but did she have to mention the newspaper nest?

That brought Leo right back to the first time he laid eggs and actually made a nest. In a feverish bloated state he made a nest before birthing eggs and that was how his family learned very suddenly that Leo lays eggs.

He cringed, how strange was that?

Thankfully no one ever brought that up ever again. Probably because it was followed by a lot of blood, stitches in very private areas, and three days in Master Splinter’s bed just sleeping.

He sighed and scrubbed his face under the shower head. The shower was large and very fancy, black tiles, four spray head for just one person. Massage settings (which felt amazing on carapaces), built in sauna mode. Shini had found him soap and toiletries.

She so discreetly gave his a toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste as if to shout there is no excuse for him to not have a make-out session with Karai. The fact that he used those things gave away the fact that he was more than open to kissing Karai the rest of the night.

Still his chest was tight on his way back to Karai’s bedroom. His hand holding the plastic bag with his costume shook a little. He tried to remind himself that he had his phone and if Karai did dump him then he could call his brothers immediately once outside.

He had a feeling it would be really hard to do anything but curl up in a ball afterward. He really liked Karai, and it would be nice if he had another family member like his brothers and father who knew and accepted him.

There were parts of all this he wouldn’t be able to hide forever.

~o~o~O~o~o~

Karai laid in bed tucked up against Leo’s shell. His left arm draped around her and his head rested back against the pillows. Her left foot was propped on a pillow with and ice pack and the room was completely dark and silent.

The movie ended thirty minutes ago, Leo brushed his teeth for the twelfth time inside twenty four hours securing himself as the mintiest turtle in the world, and now he had foolishly agreed to stay the night. Now they were in her bed, under the blankets both silent. Both waiting for something to happen.

This was when he had to do it. Right now before she spent the night next to him. This was wrong, he was living a lie to her.

“Karai,” he said swallowing, already his face started to burn with sadness. “I need to tell you something.”

She shifted, he hoped she wouldn’t turn on the lights. Another flaw in the timing of his date was he was very emotional, it came with everything else his body was going through and he hated it so much. She turned her body and propped herself up on her elbow. “I do too.”

“Well uh-”

“Can I go first?”

She might as well say what she wants Leo thought. “Okay.”

“I’m fine with whatever pace you want to go at,” she said placing an uncharacteristically comforting hand on his chest. “When girls are alone with each other they say a lot of things about their boyfriends that aren’t actually meant to be taken so seriously. It’s stupid girl shit,” she said.

His throat was closing.

“I really like you Leo and I know being a mutant you are probably just a little worried I’ll find your penis horrifying but that shit doesn’t matter to me.”

It would if she knew he didn’t even have a penis, let alone a horrifying mutant turtle one.

“I’ve never had sex,” she said running her finger up and down the center groove of his two chest shields. That was not helping the whole wet slit situation. “My father was Oroku Saki, no boy was dumb enough to come to my door after school. So… twenty-one year old virgin over here. I can wait for you is what I’m saying.”

If she was waiting for his penis she would be waiting a very long time. “It’s complicated,” he said, voice warbling. “It’s more complicated than just waiting.”

She got closer to him, twisted her body over completely and swung a leg around his thighs. Her skin was hot, bare and pressed right against his. He could feel that heat in his bones, it was piercing into his femur and it felt amazing.

“Well tonight we could just do this,” she said, her warm breath trickled over his neck. Made his whole body shiver with a feeling he couldn’t describe. Like want and happiness stirred into one, she was half way on top of him and his arms closed around her resting on her upper and lower back. Her lips pressed onto his beak and his eye rolled into the back of his head. He pulled her in closer, they pulled apart for a second then came back. Karai kissed him hard and slow, his fingers dug into her back, his hand wandered to her butt and rubbed her firm round cheeks. Perfectly toned, they felt softer than he had imagined.

His lips tingled when she moaned against them, he massaged her ass, groping and stroking. The other hand around her upper back keeping her pinned to him. Her nails lightly dragged over his neck causing waves of ticklish pleasure to wash into his chest.

They pulled apart again, slightly out of breath. The rubbing slowed down. “You like this?” she asked scraping her nails under his jaw. It felt amazing, he pushed his head back into the pillows and gave her more access. She scratched him and kissed the underside of his chin. He held his breath afraid he might make a noise, he had never worked on masculine groans. “What was the thing you needed to say?”

Time stopped, the scratching stopped. He stopped touching her butt and pulled his daring hand back above the belt. Her hands were still resting on his shoulders. The blanket was only still over their legs.

He couldn’t ruin the moment now.

“I guess you read my mind,” he lied.


	5. any other way to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Read notes, explains sudden tags.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes:  
> \- This story is not doing well on FFN at all, I originally was going to try to keep tags minimal because that's the style for FFN, but now I feel the lack of tags is just hurting the story on AO3. At this current time I deeply regret just not tagging this properly for AO3 so I am really sorry if the tags now make you want to leave and/or regret kudoing, that's 110% my fault, that's my bad judgement. I have added tags like I would if I was just posting on AO3. Let me know if you think I have missed any tags.
> 
> \- I know the chapters are very short at the moment, this is intentional. It is easier for me to sit down and write a smaller chapter than it is to sit down and write out a huge chapter. I know this story is dragging, I'm sorry. There are a lot of background plots I am trying to slip in as I have to retroactively reconstruct Leo's childhood and medical issues through blurbs of narration. Things will start picking up pretty soon. It's not just going to be a million chapters of Leo not coming out to Karai... it'll be half a million.
> 
> Warnings:  
> -Sexual topics

* * *

November 1st, 2018

* * *

As much as he wanted to stay the night with Karai, he just couldn’t. At the very latest he had to get home before sunrise so he left her place at half past four, he didn’t kiss and ditch her though. Something about that felt rude, so he woke her up and told her he had to leave so she could mumble goodbye.

He had paused then, thought about just spilling his guts right there too. “I’m transgender,” he would have said before leaving it at that, maybe wait for her response and if it was bad he was already on his way out the door and if it was good then maybe he would stay…

Positioning of the sun be damned.

Instead he swallowed it again, and left out her window with his costume in a bag and his share of their photos from the booth.

Leo got home around four thirty to find Mikey passed out in the conversation pit with a lot of candy wrappers, too many to hold any hope that he wouldn’t get ill. They were sprinkled over his plastron too, like dead leaves only in artificial colors like pastel purple. The only reason Leo managed to simmer down the urge to lecture him was because Mikey didn’t actually eat a lot of candy outside of Halloween. The issue was every year he would gorge himself on sweets resulting in a horrible stomach ache that would then make him swear off candy forever.

Forever was roughly a year, and even if sweets started looking good at the beginning of October then there was the logic that all Mikey had to do was wait a month before he could once again gorge himself.

It appeared November would start off the same way it always did.

At least for Mikey.

Leo dropped his bag on the floor of his room and took out the photos. Four of them in a line. He clipped them to the string lined board above his desk where he had several photos of friends and family. Some of his brothers when they were younger. Not when they were really little, but after they accepted Leo as “Leo.” Photos from before then were hard to look at, the backs had description in pen from their father. They had his deadname on them. These ones had his true name, the one he liked.

He still, in one of his journals buried in a shelf in his closet had the day he got his true name. That night he had written it over and over until his hand ached. Until he could be sure he had penned out “Leonardo” more times than he had ever done with his deadname.

He even kept the photo of Karai kissing him up in plain view. If someone did see it he didn’t care, maybe after he came out to her and she broke it off he would take them down. Pack her away with all the things that had his deadname on it.

Leo sighed and got ready to go to bed again, pulling his covers down and making sure to cross off Halloween on his calendar and flip over to November. With a weight on his chest he tossed and turned until his alarm went off a few hours later.

~o~o~O~o~o~

Whether he liked it or not the next morning came and Leo rose from his bed, he assessed how he felt and was relieved to not feel any cramping. It was when he would first wake up that he would feel those tell tale cramps off to the left and right side of his pelvic area, if not it was unlikely to happen at any other time. The first real cramps were when he first started moving around.

In the kitchen Leo found most of his family was already up. Master Splinter wasn’t in the kitchen but he was still recovering and not yet on his old schedule so there was no cause for alarm.

Mikey looked to be in the hangover stage, his face was swollen, his upper body was draped over the table. He was melting into the room like a clock from a Salvador Dali painting. Raph was rapid shoveling spoonfuls of cheerios in his mouth, not even chewing. Milk splashed every time his spoon hit the bowl. Donnie had a dopey smile on his face, he dreamily sipped on his mug of black coffee and let out a content sigh.

“How was everyone’s night?” Leo asked, going to the fridge to grab some jam and bread. With all the supplements he was taking he needed to eat a little food, even though he preferred to fast until lunch. It gave him better clarity to meditate in a fasted state. Some things could just not be helped he supposed.

Raph drank the rest of his cereal in mad gulps. “Nothing, nothing happened the whole night Casey and I we uh, we egged places!” he exclaimed, slamming his bowl down. “Yeah, and then we toilet papered all the trees in Central Park,” he rattled off gesturing to the ceiling. “And we stayed outside all night fully clothed at all times! And nothing else happened Leo stop looking at me like that, all of you stop it! You know nothing!”

The curtain to the kitchen was pulled back and the legs of Master Splinter’s walker pushed through. They were all at least used to their father’s new form enough to not jump but Raph did anyways, standing up quickly and toppling his stool to the ground.

Mikey moaned out at the loud noise, Donnie remained seated with his dopey grin, his coffee cup cradled in his hands completely unaware of the ruckus Raph was making.

“Raphael did you really throw eggs at houses and vandalize a park?” Master Splinter asked giving Raph a disapproving look to match his tone. He may have been slightly shorter now as a human but he was taller than Raph and his fatherly glares were still capable of putting them all in their shells. “I thought I raised you better.”

Raph whipped his head around wildly while opening and closing his mouth. “Y-yep!” he said abruptly. “I threw so many eggs and vandalized so many things with toilet paper!” he announced, his tone was somehow uncertain and desperate. “Casey and I were so busy with that we barely had time for anything else. We didn’t even talk to each other. You know what, Casey might not have even been there!”

Their father nodded pensively. “I see, still I am-”

“Disappointed!” Raph finished holding his hand up for there father to say no more. “And you should be! Maybe I should be grounded. I know I’m 20 now but apparently I am still a child!” he said looking at the ground and shaking his head. “I agree. Here take my phone,” he fumbled with his belt and quickly tried to give the phone to Master Splinter who took it after a slow second where their fingers collided awkwardly. “I guess that means I won’t be able to text Casey for a week, or a few weeks maybe,” Raph lamented while placing a hand over his face. “Hell dad, you look really mad maybe I need to be grounded for a month or I don’t know maybe even twelve- you know what say no more, I’ll just be in my room grounded.”

Before anyone could process what Raph had said, he had slid past their father and left the kitchen in deathly silence.

“What- what is going on?” Mikey groaned, rubbing his temples.

The curtain was pulled back again and Raph popped his head inside. “So I guess if Casey comes by, someone else, not me since I am grounded, should tell him that I am grounded for a long time, a really long time,” he said nodding aggressively until Leo nodded just from the pure awkwardness of it.

Master Splinter squinted as Raph disappeared, then looked to Leo as if he might know something about it. Leo was only left to shrug, too tired and involved with his own problems to wonder about Casey and Raph.

“I think we’re under the sea on that one,” Mikey said into the table, he then raised his head and rolled his eyes at the quiet room. “Because it’s getting fishy,” he said in an annoyed tone.

Sighing at his baby brother’s wordplay Leo turned back to the counter to hopefully make some toast without burning it. “Leonardo, how did Karai take things last night?” Master Splinter asked as he made his way further into the kitchen to sit down in what was Raph’s chair.

A rock dropped into Leo’s stomach as he turned around to take Raph’s abandoned bowl to the sink. He grimaced at his father.

“Leonardo.”

“I didn’t tell her,” he said while rinsing Raph’s bowl out, cringing at the fact that he really should have. His father let out a sigh behind him that made his whole body tense. His stupid female hormones at the moment made every little thing into such a big deal and he felt on the verge of breaking down or crying over a sigh. “I didn’t say I would, and it just…” he turned around. “She said something that made it really hard to come out… and I messed up.”

More than messed up, the conversation with Karai about her mutation had tortured him most of the morning. He sat down across from his father and between a still pleasantly zoned out Donnie and miserable Mikey.

“I messed up so bad you guys.”

Mikey smacked around the table until he found Leo’s arm and gripped it clumsily, his fingers clammy. “N-no Leo, bro, don’t be so-” he burped mid sentence and his pupils went to pinpricks. “Oh sewer apples,” he hiccuped before scrambling out of his stool and into the hallway.

Judging by the wet splattering noise coming from the hallway Mikey did not reach the toilet before Halloween returned.

“Donatello would you mind making sure Michelangelo is okay?” Master Splinter asked, touching his son’s shoulder to actually grab his attention.

Donnie’s mood was unshaken. “Sure,” he said with a happy smile. “I’ll get the mop while I’m at it.”

Once they were alone Master Splinter began to stand up. “Let me make us some tea-”

“Sensei I can-”

“I am capable of making tea my son,” his father gave him a stern look that said sit back down right now. Leo did so but he felt bad, his father had made great strides in recovery but he was still on the mend… and after almost losing him…

Leo didn’t like to think in those terms.

“Now,” Master Splinter said getting the jug of drinking water to pour into the kettle. A sign that he was going to use his good tea leaves for their tea and not the ones purchased from the supermarket, tap water would be a crime to use on real tea quality tea leaves. “What exactly happened to make you think that you messed up?”

Watching his father pour the water and itching to help Leo swallowed away the lingering pull in his chest. “Uh, well, conversations turned to the time when she was mutated.”

“I imagine that might have been a painful subject for her,” Master Splinter said, turning on the burner and centering the family’s kettle.

“Yes,” Leo spoke quietly. He knew how much his father blamed himself that day for not being able to save Karai, and Leo in turn felt he could have done a better job of convincing her that he wanted to help her. If only she had let him go with her… their family could have been whole so much sooner.

Then again, having Karai suddenly live with them would have meant coming out to her back then. It was very hard to hide his afflictions from those living with him. Thankfully the longest standing guest they ever had was April but she arrived shortly after his procedure and left before his next one.

He grimaced at the thoughts stirring around his head. “I did too but she admitted that during that time she wasn’t all there in the head. I mean we all knew that obviously but uh she told me that at the time, while she was mutated and a little mindless… she had a nest.”

His father paused.

Nest were touchy subjects for Leo, not only did he have the insane urge to make a nest the closer he got to his time, but nests weren’t just made for the egg layer, they were made for the eggs themselves. Karai could have very well made the nest unknowing that she wasn’t just looking to do business with Leo, but also put the result of their business into her nest for… future developing.

“And she wanted to take me, specifically me, to her nest,” Leo said.

A little possessive he realized but if there was one good thing to take out of that conversation Karai had decided she wanted him. She would just settle for a turtle, she wanted him specifically.

Master Splinter nodded. “I have the feeling I know where this is going,” he said sympathetically.

Leo nodded and looked back to the table, his hands knotted together. It was very hard to talk about sex and genitals with his father, he assumed it would be for any son. He didn’t want to admit it to Master Splinter, but it was harder now to talk to him because he was human. He didn’t look like the rat that had raised him, that had coaxed him through four years worth of traumatic egg laying, who had advocated for Leo to be treated as a boy.

This human felt more like a stranger.

So Leo turned his face away and closed his eyes, it was still his father’s voice.

“And I wanted to be a gentlemen about it so I told her that I would have been honored to see her nest…” he explained. “But she wasn’t buying it, or maybe she thought I was misunderstanding what being taken to her nest meant.”

His father chuckled, and Leo smiled just a little. If only Karai knew how much he knew about nests. His smile evaporated pretty fast when he remembered she would probably find it gross. “She clarified the certain activities she wanted to do to me and I said I wouldn’t have been adverse to those activities” he didn’t want to speak to crudely to his own father but Master Splinter’s patient silence said he got the message loud and clear. “But then she went further and outright asked me if I would _insert my business_ into _her business_ while she was in that form and I just kept doubling down and…” he groaned out frustrated with himself.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

He had been so stupid.

“You implied by doubling down that you had, to use your terms, business to insert into her?” Master Splinter asked pulling the now screaming kettle from the burner while Leo dug his fingers into his skull.

“Yes, and then it was harder and harder to find a way to tell her that actually I don’t have that business. My business is like her business and maybe Karai won’t want to be a customer.”

A cup of delicious smelling Jasmine Tea was placed in front of him. “That is tricky, my son.”

“Then she said something that really made me know I couldn’t come out to her… she said it would be gross if she laid eggs.”

Master Splinter took the seat next to Leo, using his walker to steady himself on the way down. He shook his head in sympathy, his salt and pepper hair getting longer as time in his human form drew on.

Leo looked back at his hand before speaking again, getting emotional over the fact that he will never see the face of his rat father again. He hated feeling like glass. “So I guess if she’s okay with the situation down here,” Leo said in a defeated tone. “She’ll be scared away by what the situation makes every few months.”

“As living beings we do plenty of gross things my son, take what Michelangelo is doing in the hallway right now for an example,” he said turning his head toward the kitchen door. “When she was talking about laying eggs she was only referring to herself.”

Leo picked up his tea and took a small sip. “She still thinks it’s gross,” he countered.

Master Splinter reached over with his human hand and touched Leo’s wrist. “My son, we all find what we do naturally gross. Some things can not be helped. Women are mortified if they stain their clothes with their menstruation but no reasonable person shuns someone for something they cannot control. The standards we hold ourselves to are not the same ones we place on others. Karai may just find the idea of herself laying eggs as gross, but would be empathetic towards you and your situation.”

“I don’t want her pity,” Leo sighed.

He already got so much pity from his family, from his brothers who would treat his like he was an egg himself in the days before and after his procedure. At least now with their solution Leo didn’t have to lay anymore but they still acted super nice to him around that those times.

“Empathy is not pity,” Master Splinter warned.

“I-”

“Leonardo, I do worry that putting this off much longer will only cause more hurt down the road for both of you. Have you thought about what you are going to do in the coming weeks?”

Leo hesitated. “I assumed I could just tell her I’m sick, like we do with Casey and April,” he said after a moment, knowing full well that it sounded cowardly.

“Your family will stand behind you in whatever your choose, but I have the feeling Karai would too if you gave her the opportunity.” His father squeezed his hand before letting go and sipping his own tea.

“Thank you, father, for your advice.”

Master Splinter jumped in his seat when a vibrating hum started, he fished Raph’s phone from his robe pocket and raised an eyebrow. “And now I just need to speak with your brother about his activities with Mr. Jones.”

~o~o~O~o~o~

Knowing their father didn’t expect much out of them for training the day after Halloween, Leo only focused on his own exercises and katas. That took him to about lunch time leaving him enough time to shower and have Donnie check on something for him.

Leo knocked on the lab doors, knowing Donnie preferred it when his brothers actually knocked.

“Yeah, yeah, in,” Donnie said in a clipped tone. His features softened when he saw it was Leo. “Oh,” he said, his eyes darting to where Mikey was on one of the infirmary beds. He had several heating pads on his stomach and an ice pack on his face. “I can take blood but we can wait and do the ultrasound until after Mikey relocates to the living room or his own bedroom.”

It was mostly agreed that Leo could have his ultrasound performed with as much privacy as he could get. The procedure was done through the plastron, thankfully, but Leo was always a little nervous about complications arising during ovulation. If an egg started growing in one of his Fallopian tubes they would be in serious trouble. He didn’t need Raph and Mikey hoovering around to spike his nerves.

Those things were extremely rare but Leo had already had an egg break while in his uterus. The memory of that still sat on the family. The situation had nearly costed Leo his life and it was Donnie’s fast thinking that again saved the day.

Donnie closed his laptop. “We should still take blood, just to check on your hormones,” he said while gathering the vials and syringes from his drawers.

Resolved in having his blood taken Leo sat down on the spare chair. “You were very happy this morning,” he commented to distract himself from the incoming needle.

“Yes, well… April and I had a nice time.”

Getting blood drawn hurts.

“Karai and I barely saw you two,” Leo said while looking at the ceiling. He didn’t like seeing the blood fill the tube.

Donnie hummed, he wouldn’t speak again until he had his blood sample. Until then he was focused on that one task. “We ended up leaving after an hour,” he said, tossing the needles into a plastic red bin labeled in several warnings.

“I feel there might be more to this story,” Leo said.

His brother shrugged. “Let’s just say April and I are very compatible,” he said with a sing song voice.

Leo blushed, he quickly rubbed at his cheeks while Donnie’s back was turned. “Karai told me she was okay with whatever my non-existent penis looked like. I guess she believes my hesitation to have sex was rooted in that.”

Donnie turned around slowly. “Is she pushing for sex?” he asked.

“It’s Karai.”

“Right,” Donnie huffed. “So was that when you-”

“No,” Leo rubbed at the bandage now in his elbow pit. “I didn’t, and honestly I wish that was my problem,” he cringed at the glare Donnie gave him. “Not that getting that far with April wasn’t hard for you Donnie, it’s just Karai doesn’t even realize that what she’s preparing for doesn’t even exist.”

“And if she did find out about your anatomy she would be put off?” Donnie asked.

Leo nodded. “She thinks I’m a guy, wouldn’t me being not a guy be a put off?”

“Because Karai is completely heterosexual,” Donnie drawled out sarcastically.

“You think she’s not completely straight?” Leo asked, he hadn’t really thought about Karai’s orientation. She was with him, that meant she was probably straight.

Donnie smirked. “It’s Karai.”


	6. form these feelings

* * *

November 1st, 2018

* * *

“That’s seriously all you got in you?” Raph growled above him.

Leo pushed with everything he had to fully raise the barbell. His shoulders burning with every inch he gained. His body vibrating at the same frequency as the groan crawling up his throat.

Four hundred and eighty five pounds. Ten reps and he would defeat this.

Feeling like he was going to pop a blood vessel he finally straightened his arms.

“Eight,” Leo gasped.

“Come on Leo!” Raph yelled. “Don’t be a wimp. One more!”

“You said one more rep, last rep!” Leo groaned.

Raph was still holding the bar but doing nothing to help. He was only there to prevent Leo from hurting himself by lifting too much. “That was then this is now!” Raph yelled, just like he had last time, and the time before that.

Leo’s arms and chest begged to call it quits, but he wouldn’t. In a few days weight training would be off the table for two full weeks. While he never lost any measurable muscle mass during those two weeks thanks to a strict body weight and Tai Chi routine; he always felt himself getting soft.

He was going to hit ten reps today.

“Go Leo!” Raph yelled. “Lift the fucking bar! I beat this last month!” he roared.

It was the motivation he needed. If Raph beat this a month ago he had to beat this today.

“Nine!” he gasped, before bringing the bar back down quickly and resting it on his chest.

The weight made it hard to breathe but with ten in sight and his arms on fire this last rep would be clean and in perfect form.

“One more Leo!” Raph aggressively encouraged. “Make it ten bro! Make it ten!”

“Ten! I’m done! Up Raph! Up!” Leo sputtered, arms seconds away from puking out after the final rep.

“Okay!” Raph eased the bar back on to its stand.

Leo sat up on the bench, sweat coating his entire body. There was nothing like the feeling of an intense weight lifting session. A pleasant buzz flooded his bones making him feel lighter.

He had beaten his personal best once again.

Next time they would add more weight, which would mean more muscles gained.

“Can we go again tonight?” Leo asked, shooting Raph a hopeful glance.

Raph shook his head. “You’re insane,” he said, as he removed plates off the bars. He was careful to alternate between the sides he took from. “You gotta give those muscles time to repair. New best today on the chest press. Tomorrow we’ll do legs.”

Leo hated leg day. His legs were the one area he had no trouble putting muscles on and Donnie contributed that to his biology.

“Come on Raph,” Leo pressed. “In a few days Donnie is going to pull the plug on all exercise. And training. And running, which really isn’t exercise.”

“I have a calendar too Leo-”

Leo internally threw up. “Gross, don’t track my thing-”

“Pushing yourself just because you aren’t gonna be able to exercise still ain’t healthy,” Raph said, coming over to him to make sure he understood that more weight training today was out of the question.

Leo did not like the feeling of being held back. Wasn’t he held back enough by the fact that he was constantly fighting estrogen? Now he had to fight off all his protective younger siblings.

Two of whom track his periods.

Yeah, that was a thought that will haunt him.

“Don’t punish yourself for going through something you can’t control,” Raph said just a hair gentler. He even put a comforting had on Leo’s shoulder.

Leo brushed the hand off and stood up. “I’m going to take a shower.”

Raph sighed, but must have realized that there was no more arguing about this because he didn’t keep talking about it as they left the dojo.

On the way to the showers they crossed paths with April and Casey heading towards Donnie’s lab.

“Hey guys,” April said, the happier of the two humans.

Casey waved awkwardly, his eyes locked guiltily with Raph.

Raph was very interested in the ceiling. “Hey we’re headed to the shower,” he said looking straight up. “Stinky. Just got done lifting weights.”

April nodded before jerking her thumb back at Casey. “We’re just here to see Donnie. We’re going to save Casey and get this research paper done if it kills someone.”

Casey shrank down where he stood like someone popped all the air out of him. “I don’t want to be saved!” he moaned, sticking out his bottom lip.

“Too bad,” April snapped, latching onto Casey’s tanned wrist and dragging him away.

The black haired teenager looked back towards Leo asking for help, but Leo just watched as he was swallowed by Donnie’s lab doors.

Raph was already moving at breakneck speed to the showers forcing Leo into a jog just to catch up.

“Poor Donnie,” he said, entering the showers behind Raph.

First Donnie had to look into Leo uterus this morning for eggs, now he had to look inside Casey’s skull for a brain.

Raph wasn’t saying anything, he was keeping his shell to Leo and stripping of his gear.

“Are things with you and Casey okay?” Leo asked.

Raph hung up his gear and entered one of the divided showers without any sign that he even heard Leo’s question.

“Raph?” Leo asked, a little more concerned.

Perhaps a fight happened between the two friends?

“I can’t hear you since the water is running very loud,” Raph said from behind the mint green shower curtain.

Leo frowned. “The water isn’t even on,” he pointed out.

“What?” Raph said. “I can’t hear you over the water and my own talking-,” he abruptly cut his sentence off as soon as the shower head started spitting water out.

For a few seconds Leo stared at the shower curtain and considered throwing it open and demanding an answer from Raph. Clearly something between Casey and him went down and it was keeping the two from even being able to hold eye contact.

Then again, whatever was going on with his brother was private.

He wasn’t Raph’s mom.

~o~o~O~o~o~

“I don’t understand why he has to move his entire room into the hallway before he can clean,” Raph pointed out, as he did everytime Mikey cleaned his room.

“No stone left unturned,” Leo stated, sitting in the kitchen chair to Raph’s right.

“Get out of here with your riddles,” Raph huffed. “Next you’ll be on about scorpions, and them stinging frogs, and crossing rivers.”

Leo scowled. “When have I ever said anything like that?” he asked.

“It just sounds like the kind of thing you would say,” Raph said, offended Leo would argue about this. “You have that feel to you.”

A horrible sandpaper scraping noise interrupted the argument. Mikey was pushing a huge wooden toy chest from his bedroom. A long time ago that play chest had been in the main area and filled with toys they had to share. As they grew up the toy chest migrated to Mikey’s room and was subsequently wiped from all their memories.

“Leo has an Aurora Borealis about him is what you mean,” Mikey panted.

“Oh. My. God.” Donnie punctuated each word with befuddlement on Leo’s right.

Yes, this was the perfect way to watch Mikey’s yearly room cleaning; sandwich between his brothers who offered lovely commentary.

“What is it Donnie?” Leo asked, cocking his head thoughtfully.

“My last braincell just committed suicide,” Donnie said, patomiming a gun and holding it to his head. “Blam. Gone. Aura, Mikey. Leo has an aura.”

Mikey considered this correction while scratching the inside of his ear with his pinky. “Donnie, I ask for a moment of silence,” he said. He stood up straight, examined his fingernail and attached ear nugget before flicking it onto Raph’s door, then paced back and forth before them like a drill sergeant. “Gentlemen. Raphael. This is long overdue. I am a man now.”

“You’re a turtle,” Raph said.

“Am I not also a man?” Mikey pondered aloud. “If you cut me do I not say, ow and hey, stop, you’re cutting me?”

“When the braincell before committed suicide earlier, it left behind two children Mikey. They’ve now drank the bleach under the sink.”

“Well, my dear sweet little Donnie, it is time I bleach my room of my juvenile possessions.” Mikey segued. “For I am no longer a teenage turtle mutant ninja. I am a man-turtle mutant ninja.”

“I’m proud of you Mikey but plenty of adults still hold on to toys from their childhood,” Leo said, mostly in defense of the few Space Hero action figures he just couldn’t let go of.

Mikey shook his head. “Leo, I appreciate what you’re trying to say. But it is time to change my own Aurora Borealis.”

“Oh! Steamed hams!” Casey exclaimed, entering the hallway behind them.

Raph’s pupils went wide and he shrunk down in his chair.

“Steamed... hams?” Leo asked slowly.

“Yeah, Aurora Borealis,” Casey said, looking at them like this should jog their memory. “Steamed hams. You know, it’s The Simpson’s joke.”

All four turtles stared at Casey.

“Do you guys live under a rock or something?” Casey asked.

“We live in the sewers, Casey,” Leo said. “Also Master Splinter was very strict about what we could watch as tots.”

Any adult cartoons had been strictly forbidden until they were thirteen, but given their busy schedules between home schooling and training they didn’t have hours upon hours to catch up on a series that had started airing before any of them had left their eggs. Also, the amount of TV shows that made jokes at transwomen and men tended to make Leo want to stick to lighter media.

“I was in the middle of an announcement,” Mikey said, clearing his throat.

Leo turned back to his impatient little brother. “I’m sorry, please continue Mikey.”

“As I was saying I am a man-turtle now-,”

“What’s going on over here?” April asked, draping herself over the back of Donnie’s chair and kissing his temple.

Mikey looked ready to tear his own face off.

“Hello honey bear,” Donnie said, nuzzling into her.

Raph muttered something Leo couldn’t hear entirely but he caught the hints of a poorly covered dry heave. Casey made a similar face leaned up against Donnie’s bedroom door.

“Why is everyone in the hallway?” April asked, walking around the chair and sitting on Donnie’s lap.

“Well you see-,” Mikey began.

“Mikey is cleaning his room and it’s a whole process that is really funny to watch,” Raph cut in, rubbing his hands together.

“Excuse me!” Mikey said, bringing his finger down on the toy chest. “I was speaking!”

“Sorry Mikey,” April conceded.

Mikey squinted at all of them. “Apology considered. Now this-,” he said, dragging his finger in suggestive circles on the lid of the toy chest, “-Is a treasure chest that has kind of been jammed shut for two years and the lock has pizza caked in it-,”

“Amazing,” Donnie deadpanned.

“Yeah it was pretty hard jamming it in that tiny hole but I managed,” Mikey said, oddly proud. “Anyways… who wants to help me get this bad boy opened?”

Raph stood up, spun his sias, and jammed both prongs into the lock before tearing the locking mechanism open. As the lid burped open a rancid sweet and sour smell plunged into the hallway. As if someone had sharted strawberry jam.

“Oh what is that!?” April asked, holding her nose.

Raph was waving the scent towards Casey as he struggle to pull his shirt up over his nose. Sadly his cotton gas mask would do nothing to filter the stench.

For the turtles the smell washed over them. They were hardened veterans and no strawberry shart would bother them. This was on the lower end of offensive smells anyways.

“Smells like memories,” Mikey said, putting his face to the crack and breathing in deeply through his nose.

“It smells like something died!” April coughed.

Donnie patted her back but had his eyes glued on the chest with a tight lipped grimace. Admittedly Donnie had the strongest stomach of all of them.

He had to deal with Leo’s gross body all the time.

“It was probably all the memories,” Mikey said, opening the lid. “Oh my god look at this! My coloring books!” He pulled out a stack of coloring books and dropped them on the floor when he noticed what was under them. “My drawings!” he said, pulling out sketchbooks before gasping again. “My creepy collection of human baby dolls!”

Raph, Casey and Mikey started helping Mikey pull things out of the chest. They dedicated a pile for trash and a pile for what Mikey wanted to keep, and then a pile for the stuff he wasn’t sure about.

There were a lot of broken toys. There were some toys Leo recognized as once his and his heart sped up. Thankfully as their father’s world view on gender expanded, Leo’s female-centered toys were gifted to the toy chest for any of them to play with.

Mikey and Donnie ended up like the My Little Pony dolls more than Leo ever had. He just wanted to play the violent war games with Raph.

Karai snuck up behind him and took Raph’s abandoned chair. She must have just finished up with talking to Master Splinter.

Time really flew by when Mikey cleaned his room.

“Hey,” she said, casually. No hint in her voice that they had spent last night making out so hard Leo felt like he was going to explode.

“Uh, hey,” Leo said, a little less casually.

He gave the pile of toys outside the chest a weary glance. Would she know? Would she see the sparse girl toy throughout and put it all together?

She looked mad as she crossed her arms over her chest and pointed to the ongoing mess. “What’s going on here?” she asked.

“Mikey is cleaning his room, we’re helping him sort through his things,” Leo explained. He was well aware that he was not helping, just watching.

Karai was already looking down at her phone. “Cool,” she said, completely disenthralled by all of this.

Leo frowned. “Are you okay?” he asked, lowering his voice and tilting towards her.

“I got some disturbing news,” she said, shutting off her phone and slamming it into her jeans pocket.

“Oh,” Leo said. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, cocking his head away from the hall.

It might be for the better. Then again it wouldn’t solve the general unease of having Casey and April here, but they weren’t as sharp as Karai.

“Later,” Karai dismissed, staring now at the mess of childhood possessions on the ground.

Leo settled back on his own chair. “Right,” he said, taking a deep breath and reminding himself that the disturbing news probably wasn’t that she found out he was trans.

Probably.

“Oh my god!” Mikey squeaked. “It’s our tamagotchis!”

“I had one of those as a kid!” April said.

Karai leaned forward to get a better look. “How? I thought that crap was just in Japan.”

Mikey grimaced at his handful of digital pets. “I mean they’re dead but oh man remember when Splinter brought them home?” he asked, dumping the four tamagotchis onto April’s lap.

The nostalgia hit Leo hard seeing the once prized toys. Also a twinge of bitterness landed remembering how his brothers got the cooler colors because the pink one had to be for the girl.

He pushed that to the side.

Things were different now and had been different for a very long time.

“Oh yeah, those were fun,” Leo said, plucking up the pink one. It was smaller than he remembered.

“I always wanted one of these,” Karai said, reaching to take his old one out of his hand.

“The Shredder didn’t even let you have digital pets?” Leo asked.

Karai shook her head.

Well, for all the mistakes his father made with him, at least he had been allowed a childhood. Leo felt bad for even feeling bitter about the pink tamagotchi now.

“Awwww, your little names are scrawled on the back!” April cooed.

Leo’s heart flipped over.

Casey, who was standing over April to see the tamagotchis, turned the one he was looking at over. “I have Mike’s!” he said, showing the back of the tamagotchi to everyone.

“I have a Don, and a Raph here!” April said.

All turtles except Leo scrambled as discreetly as they could to find the last tamagotchi, but he already knew it was too late. He saw Karai turn it over in the corner of his eye.

“Ru?”

The name hurt to hear. Even though it was just a deadnickname, it still brought back sour memories. He didn’t have the courage to look at her. He didn’t have the ability to move. He was frozen, unable to breathe, choking on his own stupidity.

“That’s weird, I guess once we got more than four we started giving them to our stuffed animals,” Mikey quickly and effortlessly lied.

“Oh yeah. I wonder where Leo’s wandered off to,” Raph said, looking in the chest again for the fifth tamagotchi that never was.

Leo forced himself to breathe. “I think I lost it in the sewers one day,” he said.

“Ah,” Donnie hummed.

Karai gave the tamagotchi back to him. He quickly hid it in his fist, determined to take his swords to it later.

“Where did you even get these?” Karai asked.

“Well little kids are notoriously bad at keeping a hold of small things,” Donnie explained. “Master Splinter would go top side for food and find them. He waited until he had four before he gave us them.”

“Wait, so for like however long it took between the first one and the last one he had to feed them everyday?” Casey asked.

“No, there is a way to reset them if they die,” Donnie said nonchalantly.

Raph and Mikey whipped their heads towards Donnie. “What?!” they both exclaimed.

“Revive them!” Mikey demanded, getting on his knees in front of Donnie and sticking his bottom lip out. “Do it now!”

“What happened to becoming a man-turtle?” Donnie pointed out.

“No one told me adulthood would involve the permanence of death Donnie!” Mikey argued.

It was true, nobody, not even Leo thought to warn Mikey about death while he cleaned his bedroom. Just as no one had warned Leo about the heart attack he was going to have this evening.

“Wait so if he collected four so you wouldn’t fight, how did you decide to give the extra one to a stuffed animal. I mean who did Ru's belong to?” Casey asked.

Leo wished Casey would shut up.

“Well once we had our own why would we want another?” Mikey was quick to respond. “And Ru was very special to us; she deserved her own tamagotchi.”

Leo felt a twinge of anger at the last part. He hated who he was back then. He was not a little girl and he didn’t miss being Ru one bit.

“That’s so sweet,” April said. “And kind of sad. But it’s mostly sweet. What kind of stuffed animal was Ru?”

“Hey can I talk to you?” Karai leaned in and whispered.

He felt so close to an actual panic attack. Here it comes, Karai had figured it out but she was going to be nice enough to break it off with him in private.

“Yes,” he said, feeling woozy as he stood to follow her into the pit.

He just hoped whatever his brothers planned on telling Casey and April was believable.

“You look awful by the way,” she said, looking concerned for him.

Well he felt like his chest was collapsing so that made sense. “Yeah I over did it weight lifting this morning,” he said.

Karai grinned. “Did I leave you with some testosterone to burn off from last night?” she teased.

“Something like that,” Leo said, feeling bad that he didn’t have testosterone, but good because Karai thought he did.

So he was safe for now. Even though three people just inadvertently learned his deadnickname. 

“What’s up with you?” he asked, eager to change the topic. “What was the disturbing news?”

Karai took her phone out of her pocket. “Gloria Sinclair won her court case,” she said, bringing up a news site on her phone to show Leo. “The jury was blackmailed and she got away with everything she did for The Shredder. She made sure ICE wasn’t brought in to investigate all the soldiers he brought over from Japan that had no passports or identification for.”

“Anything we can do?” Leo asked, looking over at his thoroughly distracted brothers.

“Now that she's been found innocent?” Karai asked with a huff. “Nope. She just gets to be a fucking rich and live out the rest of her life in a condo somewhere in fucking Florida.”

“Well,” Leo said, smirking down at Karai. “I wasn’t talking about a _legal_ justice.”

Karai raised one of her studded eyebrows. “Are you going to be able to sneak out later?” she asked.

“Later?” Leo asked dismissively. “Why wait to sneak out? It’s dark out, let’s do it now.”

He needed to get out of here while he still could. Things were suffocating and The Lair was filled with bitter memories of being Ru.


End file.
